This week’s parshah begins with Yehudah’s approach to Yosef as he pleads for his family. Before beginning his plea, Yehudah introduces his words by saying, “Bi adoni yedaber-na avdchah davar be’aznei adoni—Please, my lord, let now your servant speak something into my lord’s ears...”
In his sefer Be’eros Hamayim, Rebbe Hirsh’l Riminover zy”a cites the Medrash that states, “Ain hagashah ela l’tefillah,” and explains that before we begin to daven, we should ask Hashem to give us the ability to pray to Him. This idea is also reflected in the words we say before beginning Shemoneh Esrei: “Hashem sefasai tiftach,” as we prepare ourselves to speak to Hashem and ask permission to approach Him.
The need for preparation is technically all ours, as Hashem is always ready to hear our prayers, and the timing is never the issue. And yet we preface our words with this request.
When it comes to approaching other people with requests, however, it’s important to bear in mind that even if we have the right words and the right tone of voice, sometimes the other person needs us to first invest in the right preparation to enable them to listen to us and hear our words the way they were intended to be heard. If the preparation stage is left out, the person on the receiving end might be too tired to listen, too distracted, or become defensive if he feels under attack.
It’s good to recall Yehudah’s words to Yosef and ask first for permission to address whoever it is, whether a spouse, a child, or a co-worker, and only start to say what we want after the scene has been properly set.
Although making an “appointment” and scheduling for a meeting can be appropriate in a work setting, I don’t generally advise making appointments in family relationships, where things shouldn’t need to be so formal. That said, there are times when it’s best to at least be so considerate as to ask, “Is now a good time? I wanted to clarify something...” before going on to express yourself. And even when the timing is fine, a brief and nicely-phrased introduction, using words such as, “If you wouldn’t mind then it would be meaningful to me if...” or “You don’t have to, although I would really appreciate if...” or “Please understand that I don’t mean to offend you, I just want to explain myself...” can make all the difference to the outcome of a conversation and often also to its effect on the relationship itself. Even without altering the content of the message, a short introduction can pave the path for your words to be accepted better.
