But when we’re talking about this particular nisayon of children who tragically depart of the derech, there are numerous deeply painful aspects that touch and affect the deepest places in our hearts. When parents struggle with such children, it is the greatest possible nisayon, and the deepest possible pain that a person can endure in his life.
Let us attempt to speak about this... why indeed is it this way, not only on an emotional level, but on a neshamah level, according to sources in Chazal and Sefarim haKedoshim who teach us that this nisayon touches the deepest places in a parent’s heart and cause him the greatest possible pain.
Justified Pain
It is important to clarify and establish this point—although, parents of struggling children don’t need anyone to tell them about how difficult this nisayon is...
The point is, though, that when a person endures tremendous emotional pain, and he sees that the Torah and Chazal legitimize the pain and establish that this nisayon is deeper and more painful and different than any other, it calms this person to an extent—giving them the feeling that their emotions are in place. The Torah acknowledges that this challenge is bitterly difficult. It’s not just me who feels that it’s unbearable—according to Torah it is understood and acknowledged to be this way.
Our Designs Failed
The first reason why this nisayon is so difficult comes from the Sefer Ha’Ikrim (2:15) and it is cited by the Yismach Moshe. He says that there’s one major element within us that is responsible for feeling joy and satisfaction or sadness and pain: our desires and our ratzon.
When a person wants something very much—he hoped long and hard for it to happen—and the Ribbono Shel Olam gives it to him... his desire was fulfilled, this brings him great joy. Conversely, if he hoped very much for something, and it did not materialize—rather, the opposite happened—this brings great sadness, pain, and brokenness to the person.
The Deep-Seated Desire for Good Children
Regarding this nisayon, it is clear to every single Yid that we all share the ratzon and the desire to merit good children who will bring us nachas. Every single parent looks at his child and wishes for him to follow the derech haTorah. We’re willing to spend every last dollar we have—and even go into heavy debt—to attain this nachas. It’s not just another whim, another “thing” that we want; there’s a feeling that “this is a part of my soul”... the purpose for which we have come to this world.
And when things go the opposite of the way we would have wanted—and it happens in spectacular form, R”l—it decimates our entire desire, and the place we feel this pain is terribly deep, because, as noted, the ratzon is very deep within the person. It’s not an illusion, and it’s not an emotion—it is truly in the deepest place within the nefesh. There’s literally nothing in the world that we desire more than good children—and this was not granted to us yet at this time.
No Greater Pain
It’s worthwhile knowing this point from the Sefer Ha’Ikrim—because this gives the awareness and the understanding that this isn’t just some whim we haven’t been granted, it’s not just another challenge.
Some people try to give chizuk to parents of struggling children by saying, “Another person also went through a tzarah of some kind, and it turned out okay.”
There can be nothing more painful than such a statement.
The parent may want to tell this person, “You may want to open a company for salting meat, since you’re so good at pouring salt on open wounds....
The reason for this incredible pain, as noted, is because our most deep-seated desire has been devastated. We hoped, we davened, we invested so much that this shouldn’t happen... and then it happened in spectacular fashion.
The Pain of a Yiddishe Mamme
This painful feeling is compounded for the mother of such a child—for the more a person invests in raising and rearing a child, and with investing hopes and dreams that that child will grow to provide much nachas and give beautiful fruits, the deeper the pain will be when those hopes and dreams don’t materialize.
This yiddishe mamme spent nights awake with her child, devoting her very life to him.. Until five years old, he was so sweet... it was mamash a nachas. His smile was so sweet and warm and innocent... and in general, the mother tends to invest more kochos into the child than the father, for this is the way of the world, and for this reason the mother’s pain may be even deeper. When we invest in something in the hopes of attaining a certain outcome, and then the opposite occurs, it is almost unbearable... it literally feels like we cannot bear this pain.
The Terrible Embarrassment
The second reason why this nisayon is more difficult than any other is because of the deep embarrassment that comes along with it. Throughout Chazal we find—and we also see this in the reality of the world—that people’s will to live is weaker than their ability to suffer humiliation. (There are goyim who would rather take their own lives than suffer embarrassment.) This means that the pain of humiliation is the deepest pain there is, and can drive a person to the unspeakable, R”l.
The nisayon of struggling children brings along with it terrible embarrassment—because people talk, and they judge. Sometimes, we go out in public with that child, and the humiliation is great. Our hearts must carry—in addition to the aforementioned pain—the exposure of our deepest embarrassment. This is a terrible pain which, as mentioned, can bring a person to the worst just to avoid experiencing it.
Blame
The third reason that this nisayon is so difficult is the sugyah of “blame and guilt.” A person going through this parshah may blame themselves and feel guilty for what happened—and this affects him in a very deep way. Parents may feel that their worst Churban—the worst thing that has ever happened to them—was caused by none other than themselves. We are guilty for it!
This pain cannot be overestimated. If it weren’t enough that we’re suffering so much, we carry around the guilt that we may have caused it with our own two hands.
When we bring together these three sources of deep pain, it is scary to think how it affects the heart of the one who is made to carry it.
An “Extinguished” Person Cannot Function
And because this pain is so debilitating, and breaks the person to his core, it can mamash lay waste to the person and bring along many additional problems. The parents are so shaken up and unnerved...they simply don’t have the kochos to carry on—and this may bring along a host of baggage. בית שלום may suffer, and this is very understandable. For when a person is beside himself with pain... he will generally not be at his best. He won’t speak to those around him in the way they deserve.
This person can’t provide the minimum required for peace in the home; being in a good mood, giving good feelings to his family, coming home with a smile and support—especially in light of the situation they’re suffering through. But there’s no one there... who should provide this support? A person who’s a shell of himself? He’s simply not here...
This alone is a great problem for shalom bayis, and this is not to mention the blame of one another, R”l.
“You were too strict with the child!”
“You were too permissive!”
This is extremely damaging to the shalom bayis.
“My Nefesh Isn’t Here”
Then there are additional “branches” to the tzarah. Some people may not be able to concentrate properly on learning and davening when enduring such a saga.
“I used to be able to learn with a chavrusa every night, but now... my nefesh simply isn’t here.”
The father wakes up late. He doesn’t daven the way he used to... for he can’t concentrate properly; the pain is in his face at all times. He gets up to daven and sees the image of his child in front of his face. The fear and the disappointment pursue him, and he wonders which shoe will drop next. Now, the child is at this stage... what will he do next, he can’t help but wonder.
And thus, the pain cannot be described in words. In a sense, a person first becomes aware that he has a heart when he begins to feel such intense pain there. He never knew a human being could endure such pain.
