In this week’s parsha the story with Yosef and the brothers continues, and we learn that after many years Yosef finally reunites with his father Yaakov. When they finally meet, Yosef falls onto Yaakov’s neck and hugs and kisses him. This reminds me of what goes on under the chuppah, when people fall on each other’s necks and hug and kiss each other, therefore, we will continue with our series of discussing topics that are related to chasunah’s and this week will discuss what intentions a chosson and kallah should have under the chuppah and various related questions.
A List of the Intentions Required by a Chosson and Kallah Under the Chuppah
When standing under the chuppah, there are a number of things that a chosson and kallah need to have kavonah [intention] for:
1) To be yoitza with the birchas erusin and nissuin.
2) To have kavonah for the mitzvah of kiddushin, as we take on that mitzvos tzreechos kavonah [when fulfilling a mitzvah, one must have positive intention for the act that he is doing], and the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 1:2) learns that kiddushin is a mitzvah in the Torah. It’s also clear from the Gemara in Kiddushin (41a) which says that by kiddushin we say מצוה בו יותר מבשלוחו – “it is better for one to perform the mitzvah himself, than it is to do it via an agent”, that kiddushin is a mitzvah. The chosson and kallah should also have kavonah to fulfill the mitzvah of peru urevu [procreation] when getting married.
3) The chosson should have kavonah when giving the ring to the kallah that he is giving it to her as an acquisition, and he should also have intention to acquire the kallah when giving her the ring.
The Netei Gavriel writes: There is no need to have kavonah for all the lomdus that one learnt in yeshiva when learning the Tosfos in Kiddushin (2b) about the mehus [essence] of kiddushin, and it is enough to simply have kavonah for the kinyan kiddushin, the acquisition of kiddushin.
4) The kallah should have intention to acquire the ring and be willing to give herself over to the chosson by accepting the ring.
5) The chosson when performing the kinyan sudar [acquisition carried out by the picking up of a cloth] on the kesubah, should have kavonah that he is obligating himself to fulfill the all the chiyuvim that Chazal require him to do.
6) The chosson and kallah should have kavonah for the kinyan nissuin and all various opinions of what exactly this is, i.e. whether it is the bedeken, standing under the chuppah canopy, yichud, eating together in a private place etc.
By Mitzvos We Normally Say, Even If One Didn’t Have Explicit Intention for the Mitzvah, Presumably His Intention Was for the Mitzvah (סתמא כיון לשמה )
Generally, when it comes to the performance of mitzvos – there is a famous Chayei Adam (Klal 68) cited in the Mishnah Berurah (60 s.k. 10) and we see this idea also in the Magen Avraham in the name of the Radvaz cited in the Sha’ar HaTziyun (589:12), that even though we say mitzvos tzreechos kavonah, and if one doesn’t have kavonah he needs to repeat the mitzvah, this is only in a case where it could be that the original performance of the mitzvah wasn’t done for the sake of the mitzvah. However, if one reads krias shema like one normally does as part of davening, or one eats matzah, blows shofar or shakes lulav, even without kavonah one is yoitza, as why else is one doing it if not for the sake of the mitzvah.
Presumably by chuppah as well we can say the same thing. From the fact that one is making a whole big chuppah and wedding ceremony, it shows that he wants to fulfill the mitzvah of kiddushin and nissuin and it is considered as if he had explicit intention for the mitzvah. We find a concept that if one is עסוקים באותו ענין – busy with the subject of kiddushin, and he then does an act of kiddushin, even if he doesn’t say clearly that he intends to perform kiddushin it works as we know what he wants. Therefore, here as well, even if the chosson and kallah don’t have kavonah, we know what they want and intend to do, therefore, we can apply the Chayei Adam.
However, it’s important to stress that the Mishnah Berurah (siman 60, s.k. 10) writes that even according to the Chayei Adam, lechatchilah before performing a mitzvah one should be careful to have kavonah to fulfill the obligation of the mitzvah (chovas hamitzvah), and the discussion of the Chayei Adam is only bedieved. With this we can understand what the Shulchan Ha’ezer (pg. 128a) brings from the Ba’al Derech HaMelech. He brings that the Minchas Chinuch when being mesader kiddushin would warn the chosson to have kavonah for the mitzvah, as lechatchilah one must have kavonah.
The Case of the Chosson and Kallah Who Forgot to Have Kavonah for the Mitzvah and the Kinyan [Acquisition]
It is very common that in their great excitement, the chosson and kallah forget to have intention for the mitzvah and the kinyan of kiddushin and nissuin, and after the sheva berachos when things calm down a bit, they begin to worry that perhaps what they did was like a monkey’s act (מעשה קוף) and wasn’t binding, as a kinyan needs da’as [knowledge]. The same thing is in regard to fulfilling the mitzvah, as we take on that mitzvos tzreechos kavonah.
In regards to this scenario, R’ Eliyohu Boruch Finkel zt”l (Apiryon Shlomah, pg. 49) writes in the name of R’ Shlomah Zalman Auerbach: This is the rule regarding matters that need kavonah, whether it is kavonah for nissuin by a chuppah, kavonah by kiddushin when the chosson gives the ring to the kallah with the purpose of it being a kinyan of kiddushin, kavonah for the berachos of erusin and nissuin when sometimes a chosson feels like he never had kavonah, there is no need to worry, as it is enough that the chosson is aware that he came to be mekadesh a woman, and the fact that due to the excitement at the time the chosson forgot to have kavonah doesn’t matter. (In regard to how to do things lechatchila, see below)
Is Kavonah Fundamental (Me’akev) by Nissuin
When it comes to creating the challos kiddushin [binding act of kiddushin], it is obvious that having kavonah for the kinyan is fundamental, however, when it comes to the challos nissuin it is not so simple and there is a machlokes haposkim. The Imrei Dovid (siman 29) maintains that if the chosson and kallah don’t have intention for the kinyan of chuppah then it doesn’t work, like we find in Choshen Mishpot (275:24): המחזיק בנכסי הגר ובהפקר ואין דעתו לקנות אע''פ שגדר ובנה לא קנה – “If one takes hold of property that belongs to a convert or is ownerless, and he doesn’t have intention to acquire it, even if he surrounds it with a wall and builds, he doesn’t acquire it.” This is also implicit in the Piskei Ri’az (Kesubos 1:11) and Pischei Teshuvah (64:10).
However, the Pirushei Ivra (siman 3, ois 18) argues and says that only when it comes to כסף שטר וביאה – acquiring with money, a document or marital relations, do we find that kavonah is fundamental, however, when it comes to chuppah, kavonah is not fundamental, and it is enough that the chosson and kallah want to be husband and wife. This is also the opinion of R’ Shach (Avi Ezri, Kamma, Ishus 3:2).
The Imrei Dovid is further mechadesh, that the chosson and kallah must be told that the three opinions of chuppah that the Rema brings are three different opinions, and the chosson must have kavonah that any one of the three works, however, he shouldn’t think that all three methods are working together. If the chosson thinks that all three are working together, then none of them work. He compares this to the Shulchan Aruch (129:19) where we find that if one divorces his wife using two gittin [divorce documents] as he is not sure which one is the correct one, the mesader haget must notify the husband to have kavonah that each one of the two gittin may work on their own, and not that both are working together.
Today’s Minhag of Telling the Chosson and Kallah Explicitly to Have Kavonah for the Kinyan
Contemporary poskim argue about whether the chosson and kallah must be explicitly told to have kavonah for the kinyan, or if we automatically consider it as if they had kavonah:
First opinion: The Nitei Gavriel (Nissuin Vol. 1, Perek 25:3) in the name of the Imrei Dovid (siman 29); Shu”t She’eris Yaakov (Even HaEzer, siman 8); the Klausenberger zt”l; Yefeh Lev (Vol. 4, siman 31, s.k. 4); Ben Ish Chai (Year1, Shoftim, ois 5) and the Apiryon Shlomah (pg. 48) of R’ Eliyohu Boruch Finkel bring, that many gedolei Yisrael in our time had the minhag to clearly instruct the chosson and kallah what to have kavonah for, and they held that lechatchilah the mesader kiddushin should instruct the chosson and kallah to have kavonah to be yoitza with the berachos, to have kavonah for the kinyan of erusin and nissuin, to know the obligations of the kesubah, and have positive kavonah to be bound by it.
However, even according to these opinions, the Nitei Gavriel brings in the name of the Tiv Kiddushin (Maharal Tzintz, siman 27, s.k. 10) and the Imrei Dovid (siman 29) that there is no need to understand the words (pirush hamilos) of the lashon used for kiddushin and it is sufficient that the chosson and kallah understand the general idea of what these words serve to do.
Second opinion: R’ Eliyohu Boruch Finkel zt”l (Apiryon Shlomah pg. 48) brings that R’ Shlomah Zalman Auerbach zt”l rules that there is no need to tell the chosson and kallah to have kavonah for the kinyan, and even if the mesader kiddushin never told them to have kavonah, and the chosson and kallah didn’t have kavonah at the time of the kinyan, it still works, as it is obvious that this is what they intend to do, as this is why they are standing together under the chuppah.
I saw brought down that someone once asked R’ Shlomah Zalman what kavonah’s he should have under the chuppah, and R’ Shlomah Zalman said “you don’t need have kavonah for anything.”
Afterall, are we talking about foolish people that perform the entire chuppah and kiddushin ceremony and don’t have kavonah for the kinyan? Furthermore, the chosson says, כדת משה וישראל- “according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael” and according to dinei Torah the kinyan is binding. Additionally, the chosson says lots of techinos [prayers] on the day of the chuppah, which clearly shows that he intends to fulfill the mitzvah of chuppah and kiddushin. Additionally, the chosson and kallah learn the halachos related to chuppah and kiddushin in the days leading up to the chasunah, therefore, it’s clear that they know what they are trying to do, and there is no need to have specific kavonah at the time. If the mesader kiddushin really wants, he can tell the chosson and kallah very briefly what is going on, however, he shouldn’t go into to many details as he will just confuse them, and they will end up having no kavonah at all.
There is a story with R’ Shmuel Birnbaum zt”l, rosh yeshivah of Mir Yeshiva Brooklyn, that he was once mesader kiddushin, and after the chuppah the kallah came crying and complaining that she was unable to focus and she didn’t have the proper intentions at the time of the chuppah. R’ Shmuel Birnbaum didn’t allow the chosson to perform the kiddushin a second time, as according to halachah it was binding, and it is considered like she had kavonah.
However, R’ Pam zt”l was at the wedding and he told R’ Shmuel Birnbaum to do a chessed for the kallah and allow the chosson to perform the kiddushin a second time, to help calm her spirits so that she could rejoice on the day of her wedding. R’ Birnbaum subsequently listened, and he allowed the chosson to perform the kiddushin a second time to help calm her down.
Third opinion: I saw brought down from R’ Binyomin Garbuz shlita (a dayan on the Beis Din of R’ Moshe Shaul Klein) that there is no need to tell the chosson and kallah to have kavonah at the time of the kinyan to be makneh and koneh, however, they must understand the consequences of the kinyan and that the woman becomes forbidden to the rest of the world because of the chosson. If the chosson and kallah think that this is just a “ceremony” and not a binding kinyan then it doesn’t work. However, as long as they understand that it is binding and serious, then it doesn’t matter how much kavonah they have.
No Need for Lofty Intentions (ייחודים גבוהים)
The Nitei Gavriel (introduction) points out, that during the kinyan of kiddushin and nissuin, the chosson and kallah don’t need to have intentions that they are going to bring yeshuos [salvation] for Klal Yisrael, or other lofty and high intentions, rather, they should simply think about the kinyan and what it is doing, and the mitzvah at hand. He quotes the words of the Chasam Sofer regarding tekias shofar, who says that even though the mitzvah has רזין דרזין – lofty secrets, the main kavonah one should have is to fulfill the mitzvah de’O’raisa of tekias shofar.
R' Zevulun Shuv shlita would tell chassanim that when they perform kiddushin and nissuin, they shouldn’t be busy with anything else such as tefillos etc., and all they should be busy with is that the kiddushin and nissuin should be binding according to halachah.
He cites proof from the Rema (Even HaEzer 61:1) which says: “The minhag is that a chosson and kallah fast on the day of the chuppah”. The Maharam Mintz says that the reason for this is, so that they don’t get drunk, and they are able to have a clear mind during the kiddushin. We see that one must have a clear mind for the kinyan of kiddushin and nissuin, therefore, this is what should be on the chossan and kallah’s mind, and not lofty kavonas and tefillos.
The Case of a Jew Who Performed Kiddushin with a Woman He Thought Wasn’t Jewish, But in the End It Turned Out that She Was
Question: There was a case of a Jew in Switzerland who decided to marry a non-Jew, however, he still felt somewhat connected to Yiddishkeit. Consequently, when he got married, he wanted to have a wedding ceremony like Jewish people do, and he performed kiddushin and nissuin, with a mesader kiddushin, eidim and the required things that a Jewish wedding needs. Years later, it turned out that the woman was a full-fledged Jew according to Torah law, and they came to ask R’ Elyashiv if the original act of kiddushin was binding. Do we say that he never intended for the kiddushin as he knows that kiddushin isn’t binding with a non-Jew, or do we say that he intended for kiddushin, just at the time he thought it wasn’t binding, however, now it turns out that it was binding, therefore, it works. Additionally, there is room to question if we can say it is קידושי שחוק – kiddushin which is a joke, and is not binding, or perhaps since it was done with all sincerity just not entirely in line with Torah (as the Torah doesn’t allow marrying a non-Jew) it is binding?
Answer: R’ Elyashiv zt”l ruled that the act of kiddushin wasn’t binding as there was no eidim lekiyuma [witnesses to establish the matter]. In regard to the lack of kavonah, R’ Elyashiv held there was nothing lacking; however, it is not binding as there was no eidim. R’ Nossan Kopshitz shlita also said that such an act of kiddushin is lacking eidim, therefore, it is not binding.
On the other hand, R’ Binyomin Garbuz shlita, and R’ Dovid Morgenstern shlita maintain that the act of kiddushin itself is lacking as there was no da’as [intention] for kiddushin, as the intention was just to make a ‘show’ due to pressure from friends and family, therefore, such a couple can perform kiddushin again with a berachah.
R' Yitzchak Zilberstein shlita (in his shiur, Bamidbar 5775) mixed together both arguments and concluded that there is no eidim lekiyuma, as the witnesses know that the man and woman don’t really have intention for kiddushin since she is a non-Jew, and in regard to kiddushei Yisrael she has no obligations.
