Point to Ponder
Winning Hearts With Love
The Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh in the beginning of Parashas Vayigash asks regarding the pasuk יהודה: אליו ויגש. This is an expression of closeness between Yehuda and Yosef. However, we know that he addressed his brother with harsh words of reproof.
Explains the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh: We know the age-old rule of Shlomo HaMelech which states that פנים אל פנים כמים, just as the water mirrors what is in front it, so too does a heart mirror the feelings of another person. Thus, Yehuda, knowing that he wished to influence the heart of Yosef, implanted in his heart feelings of love toward him.
“He brought his mind and heart closer to him, to love and cherish him, so Yosef’s mind will accept his words of reconciliation.”
Despite speaking in a harsh tone, as we see from the pesukim, he simultaneously internalized feelings of love toward him. This required intense work on his part, for he thought Yosef was an Egyptian idolator—someone whom he would naturally hate. But he worked on his emotions until he attained a love for him.
We Can Only Influence Through Love
This is an important yesod to keep in mind when we wish to influence a person. We must seek to become closer to them. When we wish to execute a business deal, we may take a person out for a nice meal at a restaurant so hearts are opened and become closer. This causes barriers between people to relax...
One may think that this is simply a psychological trick that Yehuda employed. Says the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh “Chas v’shalom! This was rooted in Torah and in holiness.”
As Shlomo HaMelech teaches—Yehuda understood that harsh words alone aren’t sufficient if he wished for them to enter Yosef’s heart; there must be a deep love in his heart. This is the only way he could influence him.
Tzaddkim employed this tool whenever they sought to bring a Yid closer to Hashem or to educate a child. Even when it’s difficult to love a person, we must toil for that feeling. We must think about his positive attributes, see the good in him, and thus bring love for that individual into our hearts—for only in this way can we hope to change and influence them.
Children Have Enough Friends
A while back, we discussed the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh in Parashas Toldos where he says that Yitzchak wished to give the berachos to Esav in hopes that he will come closer to Hashem through the love he will show him. We spoke about how love can accomplish so much when it comes to chinuch.
A Yid reached out to me following that discussion, and said that it’s not so simple. He has worked for many years in chinuch, and he knows rebbeim who make this mistake, thinking a rebbi must be a friend to his talmidim... to lower himself to his talmidim. This is a mistake—because you cannot instruct a child or educate him if you’re at his level.
“Children have enough friends; they need an authority figure,” he said.
They crave an authority figure who will discipline them and tell them right from wrong. We cannot follow the path of love alone. Going to the extreme of either path is destructive.
There Must Always Be Love
We won’t delve into the particulars here, but in the Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh that we’re now learning, we learn something incredible: There’s the what we say to the child, and then there’s the heart that lies beneath what we say to the child. Yes, sometimes we must hold a child accountable. Sometimes we must reprimand them, and maybe even punish them. But there must always be a heart that loves the child!
We see by Yehuda that he spoke harsh words—but he loved his brother Yosef, because this is the only effective way to communicate and influence. It’s not always easy; we’re human after all. We work hard so that our chinuch shouldn’t be vindictive or hateful. It takes great toil, but we must ensure the heart will always be there with love.
Correction with Compassion
Shlomo HaMelech says in another pasuk מאהבה מגולה תוכחת טובה מסותרת, revealed reprimand is better than hidden love. The Malbim explains these words to mean that words of reprimand are only good when there is love hidden in the heart.
On this there’s no disagreement in chinuch philosophy. There’s no “old path” and “new modes.” It’s a rule that has always been true: we must toil mightily on our character so when we give mussar, there should be no hatred, chas v’shalom, in our hearts—always love.
Hate Cannot Help
This is a rule in chinuch on which no one can argue. If we reprimand with hate in our heart, it will never work. The source of this isn’t an expert; it is Shlomo HaMelech himself. Do you want to get back at the child, or do you want your words to enter his heart?
If you want to accomplish something, there must be love in the heart of the one talking. It may even be hurtful to the person hearing the words at the time—but if there’s love and good intentions in your heart, they will penetrate his heart, for this is the principle of the world and this is rooted in the Torah itself: words that are said from love will penetrate the heart of the one hearing it. Even if the words are harsh, they will accomplish the intent.
It is very important for us to internalize this, for we are human after all, and we must work on our anger, but if we study the words of the sefarim HaKedoshim, we can hope to overcome the nisayon when it presents itself. The more we work to overcome the nisyon, the more the Ribbono Shel Olam will assist us with siyatta diShmaya to influence hearts l’tov.
