The short answer is: Yes. It’s perfectly fine to open up a discussion with one’s spouse, or anyone else for that matter, in writing. However, there are many issues one should be aware of before choosing this course of action. Let me use this opportunity to discuss various points of effective communication.
Marriage (and every other relationship) is about communication — real communication that goes far beyond, “Did you take care of that bill?” or “What’s for supper?” Especially when there are children and all kinds of practical matters to take care of, couples have to make sure that they still have meaningful conversations beyond those that are simply necessary for the functioning of the home.
If this means setting aside time for such conversations, that’s what should be done, even if it feels a little stilted at first. People who are particular to make time for this type of communication and then let it lapse, for whatever reason, generally soon discover that the relationship deteriorates, if only subtly. Making time to “just talk” is a key way of connecting, as well as showing someone you care.
The power of speech is what distinguishes man from the animal kingdom. The Zohar Hakadosh also tells us that the power of a king is in his words. Even though he may have a mighty army or a treasury full of gold coins, if he cannot communicate then he is not truly a king. But the way in which we communicate is also vitally important. Speech is so powerful that it can be tempting to use it to control or intimidate. We should always take the utmost care to use our words for good purposes.
Communication should always be pleasant, and that starts by allowing it to happen pleasantly. If your spouse wants to talk, make sure to be receptive, regardless of whatever might have happened beforehand. Sometimes, husbands or wives play “hard to get,” saying things like, “Now you want to talk? Where were you when...?” or, “I can’t now. You’ll have to wait till tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow you’re busy?? Well, if it’s important enough to you, you’ll find the time somehow.”
Finding or making time for one another is something that couples should always do if it’s at all possible. And aside from having when to communicate, so much is about the how. Communication should be respectful and pleasant, and not conducted in mumbles or grumbles or complaints.
The importance of discussing things rather than shoving them under the carpet is so well illustrated by your letter. Burying topics, even the ones that are hard to verbalize, is almost never advisable. People don’t forget about things just because they don’t mention them. Painful thoughts tend to turn to resentment and things that started out as minor can become major over time.
You mention that even though the topic you want to discuss with your husband isn’t a major one, you are still very anxious to get it out in the open — and this is the correct approach. If writing a letter helps you to prepare for a discussion, then by all means do so.
But I would like to mention several points that anyone in such a position should bear in mind.
