Question: A few weeks you posted a question from a wife who complained her husband speaks to her disrespectfully and dismissively. The husband is a generous provider and has good qualities, but she is very frustrated. My wife put your article on the table and said, “this is us!” I was hurt, became defensive and got upset. I do a lot of good for my wife and she should accept I am not perfect (like everyone!) and see my good. Any way, even if I wanted to change, I do not think I can.
Answer: You are correct that as a general principle husband and wife should accept one another, focus on the good and not expect perfection.
However, acceptance does not mean we can’t have expectations that our spouse’s behavior will change. Acceptance is the awareness that my spouse is on a journey (as we all are) and there are areas that are still a bit rough; this is normal and okay. This journey is called “life”. However, the journey serves a purpose—to help us grow and become better people.
Therefore, I agree that your wife should accept you. However, this does not imply that she has to expect a continuation of the status quo. And, it also does not mean we can say, ‘accept me as I am. I can’t (or don’t want to) change.”
It sounds like this is an area that is hard for your wife and she would like to see change. True, I don’t know that putting the article under your nose and saying, “this is us!”, was the best way to communicate. It is understandable you would feel hurt. Yet, as hard as it may be, sometimes we need to move beyond our hurt feelings and simply hear what our spouse is trying to say.
In regards your claim that you can’t change, the Previous Rebbe writes, “...even a person with negative tendencies, both innate and acquired through habit, which have developed in an unrestrained manner, possesses the ability and capacity of not only pushing them away and removing them from himself, but even of turning them from evil to good and from repulsive to beautiful with the supernal power that the Holy One has invested within every single Jew in accordance with his needs.... The Holy One gives every individual the spiritual powers to overturn the darkness into light and bitterness into sweetness through his service with the exertion of the body and soul.” (The Principles of Education and Guidance, chapter 4)
This is not to say that your traits are repulsive or evil, but simply that Hashem gives each of us the ability to change—even those areas we feel are beyond our capability. Replace the, “I can’t...” with, “It may be hard, but I can...” If Hashem didn’t think you could succeed, he would not give you this challenge.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
