Using positive reinforcement is hard work, of course, and there are also areas where it seems that even if a potch isn’t warranted, some form of “tough love” might work better than incentives and compliments. This is something we encounter in many types of relationships.
Let me use an example from within marriage. A husband might tell a friend, “I’m such a good husband — I give my wife everything she wants, I listen to her and make time for her... and she still doesn’t do xyz. I figured that this Mr. Nice Guy isn’t working, so from now on, I’m not doing that anymore, and maybe she’ll finally realize that she can’t get away with (not cooking supper/being late for everything... ).”
It’s understandable if someone becomes extremely frustrated at repeated unacceptable behavior and decides that from now on, there will be negative repercussions. However, it’s often not a logical or correct conclusion.
Treating one’s spouse lovingly is something we should do at all times, regardless of how they behave. That doesn’t mean that we should ignore unacceptable behavior. But we can continue to treat people correctly and also learn how not to let them walk all over us.
When it comes to chinuch, parents who have tried all the types of positive incentives for a specific behavior they are trying to encourage or eliminate, and have seen no success, might easily become discouraged and give up. The right answer isn’t necessarily to switch to “tough love,” however. It might be “more patience,” or a different type of incentive. It could also be a potch, but with the loving relationship remaining unchanged.
In fact, it’s essential that the underlying loving relationship remains unchanged, because children (in fact, everyone) need the love in order to be able to accept the criticism, as we learn from the brachos that Yaakov Avinu gave to the Shevatim. Even though some of the Shevatim were reprimanded, they were all given brachos first, to enable them to accept the critique. This certainly applies to our children.
