My intention is not to discourage any specific method of discipline, but rather to clarify how to ensure that the message and desired results are achieved. It’s a shame when not only the child is confused but also the parent, who ends up grasping at the tool that will bring the fastest short-term results without stopping to consider whether his response was warranted or the after-affects and subtle messages were actually those he wanted to convey.
In chinuch, as in so many areas of life, it’s easy to get swallowed up by the little picture. A child is being chutzpadig, the bedroom’s untidy, the trash wasn’t taken out... Getting angry and frustrated when we put in so much effort and don’t see results is natural, but there are things we can do to help.
One of the things we can do is look for the background features that we aren’t always aware of, but which do so much to set the scene.
The trash wasn’t taken out even though you specifically asked your son to empty it? There’s probably a reason. Maybe he was worried about an upcoming test and rushed off to cheder and forgot. Maybe he could use a cup of cocoa and a smile rather than a lecture on being more responsible.
Your daughter came home from school and started fighting with her little brother? First separate them, and then ask her how her day was, and maybe you’ll find out that her best friend isn’t her best friend anymore.
When we look for the big picture instead of getting distracted by the details, and remind ourselves that it’s none other than Hashem Who is painting that picture for us, we’ll find it much easier to improve our relationships with our children and spouses, and to invite siyatta diShmaya into our homes.
