My first suggestion is one you are actually doing already in part, and that is appreciating the good qualities you see in your wife. The fact that she takes great care not to dress in a way that could have harmful consequences is a great zechus for her. It’s wonderful that you respect and admire her for this.
It also seems from what you write that your wife has struck a healthy balance and that you continue to find her attractive at home. Certainly, a wife should make the effort to be attractive for her husband; the Torah tells us that having a nice-looking wife is one of the things that brings a man happiness and peace of mind. When the Jewish women brought their copper mirrors to be used in the construction of the Mishkan, Hashem Himself told Moshe Rabbeinu to accept the gifts as their use by the women to beautify themselves for their husbands was considered holy.
Too often, unfortunately, women dress up to go out and either don’t bother or refuse to make the same effort for their husbands at home. In truth, they should be making much more effort at home. It’s also important to stress that while a woman certainly has the right to dress in a way that she herself enjoys, she should also have in mind her husband’s preferences. We should all take others’ preferences into account whenever possible.
The Question of Diverging Preferences
The question arises when her preferences and his diverge — what happens then? This appears to be what you are asking: You would like your wife to dress a certain way for you, and she objects, which has resulted in enough discomfort for you to shy away from asking her again. Why did she object?
We can perhaps try turning things around in order to illustrate the point from a different angle. Allow me to use a ridiculous example, one that isn’t necessarily comparable to your situation.
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
I love the balanced way you respond to sensitive issues, and I have a certain issue where I’d appreciate your advice.
My wife is very attractive. I love it when she dresses up and puts on makeup (whether in or outside the home). She recently shared with me that there are certain things she doesn’t feel comfortable wearing when we go out because she doesn’t want to attract or tempt other men. I totally understand and support her decision not to wear things that will attract other people’s attention, even if they are technically permissible.
My difficulty is that my wife also wants to keep the same standard in the home because she doesn’t want our sons to see her look this way.
I want to have some opportunity for my wife to dress the way I would like. However, the kids go to sleep very late and I’m not going to ask my wife to change into something special at that point at night, because when I’ve asked her to do that in the past, it led to an argument.
How would you suggest we navigate this situation?
Thank you very much!
Illustrating the Point
Suppose your wife has a penchant for clowns and loves going to the circus. However, the circus doesn’t come to town so often, so she had an idea: Once the children are in bed in the evening, you will dress up in a clown costume, just for her. Naturally it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to appear so silly in front of your children, but once they’re asleep, why not make her happy if this is what she wants?
As I prefaced this, I’m well aware that this is not a direct parallel. Nonetheless, it does illustrate the point I’d like to make, which is that demanding (or even sometimes asking) a spouse to dress a certain way runs the risk of objectifying them for one’s own pleasure.
Of course the specifics matter, and therefore, before going further, I would like to take issue with one thing you write, which is that “wearing things that will attract other people’s attention” could be “technically permissible.” If a woman wears something or dresses in a way that is alluring, chances are that it is not “technically permissible” — it is assur. There may exist what are considered grey areas where there are differences of opinion, but while it’s not clear from your letter what exactly you would like your wife to wear, asking her to wear items that she feels are not tzanua is usually wrong.
That aside, demanding of anyone that they wear any specific item of clothing because “that’s what you want” is also coming dangerously close to controlling them. There’s nothing wrong with liking certain things, and even asking for them, but expecting others to cater to one’s desires on a regular basis (and certainly, demanding it) is unfair and even damaging to a relationship. While your wife’s acquiescence might satisfy you on some level, it would do nothing to enhance the emotional connection between husband and wife, and most probably, it would actually harm it.
A husband (or wife) may certainly make the occasional request for something that would mean a lot to them, but even then, one must keep the ultimate goal in mind. If either spouse gets the impression that they are being used for the other’s pleasure, what will be achieved?
Finding the Right Balance
At the core of your question is how to find the right balance between wanting your wife to appear attractive to you, and demanding that she style herself a certain way for your pleasure. It seems that you do find her attractive, but you would also like her to dress and look a certain way, for you. At the same time, you appreciate the qualities in her that are holding her back from dressing and looking that certain way. In most such cases, you can’t have it both ways.
I understand the balance you’re looking for. Nonetheless, it seems that you will have to make a choice between having a wife who is sensitive to her appearance and to the importance of tznius to the point that she is careful to hide her beauty from others, and having a wife who is willing to objectify herself for someone else’s gratification (even when that someone is her husband). You may have to decide which you prefer.
But the truth is that you can’t make that choice for her — you can only make it for yourself. You can decide to focus on your wife’s many good qualities and recognize that this particular aspect of her character that you currently find frustrating is coming from a very good and holy place; or, you can focus on this one frustration of yours and feel embittered and deprived, which will gradually erode your appreciation of her tznius and other ma’alos.
Because this is such a sensitive issue, however, I very strongly recommend that you discuss it with your rav or moreh derech. Sometimes, the yetzer hara convinces us one-hundred-percent that something we are determined to grab is essential to our wellbeing and even, a mitzvah. It’s only when we see things through the eyes of an objective third party that we realize that what seems so alluring, so positive, so beneficial will in fact only harm us and end up being a “minchah l’Eisav.”
