Take it to the Bank
Michael Rosen was arrested for embezzling $100,000 from the bank in order to pay for his kids’ Jewish school tuition.
As the policeman, who also had kids in private Jewish day school, was leading Rosen away in handcuffs, he asked him, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Don't Blame Canada
Isaac arrives in New York from Canada and takes a job working on the shop floor of HYMIE'S SUPERMARKET. One day, a customer asks him where he can find half a head of lettuce and Isaac tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. But the customer is insistent and gets Isaac to consult with Hymie. So Isaac goes into the back room and says to Hymie, "Some shmendrick wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finishes his sentence, Isaac turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, "And this gentleman offered to buy the other half."
Hymie approves the deal and the customer leaves satisfied. Later that day, Hymie says to Isaac, "I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that tricky situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from?" "I'm from Canada, sir," Isaac replies.
"So why did you leave Canada?" Hymie asks.
"Because too many yentas and hockey players live there," replies Isaac, smiling.
"That's quite surprising," says Hymie, looking angry. "My wife is from Canada."
Isaac replies, "You don't say? Who did she play for?"
On the Tip on his Tongue
Two older couples are having dinner together. As the wives clear the table, the men continue talking. "Moishe," says one, "last night we went to a terrific restaurant. You've got to try it."
"Sure," says his friend. "What's it called?"
"Um- wait a minute – what's the red flower you give to someone you love?"
"A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one."
"A poppy?"
"No, you know it's red and has thorns."
"A rose?"
"Ya, that's it!" Turning towards the kitchen, the man yells, "Rose! What's the restaurant we went to last night?"
