Question:
A couple weeks ago a man wrote that he was considering divorce and asked your opinion. You provided some helpful tips as to how to maintain and improve the marriage. We have been trying what you suggested. We do fight less and are actually closer. But we both feel it is not enough and are dissatisfied from the marriage. For the first few years things were great, but as time went on we both realized that we are very different and as much as we try we will never be to each other what each of us is looking for.
Answer:
At the beginning of marriage, when there is a strong emotional attachment, we are, as the clique goes, “blinded by love”. Yet, as the excitement wanes and daily life takes its tole, areas that we did not notice, or brushed aside, occupy center stage.
As Jews, we all possess an inherent love for Hashem. It is part of our nature; an inheritance from Avraham Avinu, the first Jew. At times this love is hidden. Yet, by contemplating the greatness of Hashem, learning Torah and performing mitzvot we make a fitting environment, a vessel, for this love to be revealed. We do not create the love; we enable it to flourish.
Along these same lines, a married couple shares an inherent bond. Husband and wife are two halves of one soul, united through marriage. At the beginning of marriage we are given, in Chasidic terminology, an “arousal from above” - a gift that we did not work to receive. We naturally feel a strong excitement and attachment to our spouse. Yet, when does the real beauty and depth of marriage begin? Precisely when you think, “maybe we are not meant for each other”.
As with our natural love for Hashem, we must make the environment for the inherent unity of husband and wife to be manifest. We do not need to create the connection to our spouse—the connection already exists. We just need to enable the space for this unity to flourish.
Practically: Move the focus from what each of you is looking for, to what each of you can give to one another. A focus on receiving leads to unfilled expectations and conflict. A focus on giving, leads to bonding and peace.
The bond of marriage is much deeper and profound that having one’s needs met. Marriage enables us to transcend ourselves and tap into something greater. As our Sages say, “husband and wife, if they are meritorious, the Divine Presence (Shechinah) dwells among them...”
As your inherent oneness becomes revealed, you will most likely realize that you are what you are looking for.
Aharon Schmidt - marriage & individual counseling; [email protected]
