As a postscript to this letter, I would like to present another question that deals with a similar issue, one that many couples deal with.
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
I have been struggling in the area of intimacy for many years and particularly appreciate your explanations on why more clarity can’t be given before the wedding. You finally afforded me a certain sense of peace as I accepted that no matter what we would have been told beforehand, it was the path we had to take (and still are taking).
Recently, we have been helped by several therapists who are both frum, but from more open backgrounds than us, so I am continuously plagued with doubts as to whether what we are doing is the correct thing, especially as you mention how important it is to follow the Torah’s way and to strive for kedushah.
While I know that what we were doing in the beginning, which seems more pure and holy, wasn’t right for us, I still feel guilty.
It seems like there’s some invisible line between doing what needs to be done and taking it too far — but how on earth am I supposed to know where that line is?
You also stress how important it is to have a rav to discuss these things with, and we do have a rav — but I just don’t feel comfortable discussing any of this with him.
I’d appreciate any insight you can offer, thank you
When it comes to such questions, which so many people have, any insight I have to offer is not my own but only the Torah’s. If I didn’t have the Torah as essential guidance in this (and every other) area of life, I might well advise people very differently. But, because I am committed to the Torah path and trust in Hashem’s wisdom, this is what I advise.
The Torah does have lines and they are not invisible — far from it. Knowing precisely where they lie is sometimes a mixed blessing. Within marriage, there are halachos and chumros, and sometimes, the chumros protect us from stepping over the edge into territory that is actually forbidden. All the same, treating everything as either black or white has its own set of disadvantages, as a person who finds it challenging to maintain a certain chumra which he mistakenly believes to be non-negotiable may end up giving up entirely.
The key to your question (and those of so many others) seems to be your need to find a rav with whom you can discuss this. I understand that it isn’t always easy — but then, discussing similar issues with a doctor isn’t always easy either, but we accept that sometimes it has to be done. You might find it easier if you remind yourself that any question you ask has likely been asked by hundreds of people before you. There’s really nothing to be ashamed of when one is only seeking to do ratzon Hashem.
Even when you get clear guidance, it might not remove your sense of guilt, however. The conscience has been described as a Jewish “invention” which it might well be — what is certain, however, is that a person who knows he is doing wrong will never truly feel at peace with himself. This is what often forces us back onto the right track.
In most cases like yours, guidance is all the more essential as what is right to do today may not be right in a month or a year from now. There are times when chumros should indeed be set aside, sometimes permanently but more often temporarily. In order to know what and when, you do need the guidance of a Daas Torah (and not a therapist, even a frum one).
But you’re not entirely correct when you write that I “mention how important it is to follow the Torah’s way and to strive for kedushah.” Following the Torah’s way and striving for kedushah is not just important — it’s essential. If we aren’t striving for kedushah, then what are we striving for? There’s no such thing as an aimless person, only a person who hasn’t bothered to clarify which direction he is going in.
Only when we focus on our ultimate goal and keep that goal constantly in mind do we stand a chance of success in building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. That success depends on choosing between compulsive grabbing of whatever looks attractive at the time, and leaving the ephemeral and illusory pleasures of this world for Eisav.
