Rabbi Efrem Goldberg
Yaakov begins his conciliatory message to Eisav by saying that he had been living with their uncle, Lavan, over the last twenty years (32:5). Rashi famously comments that the word גרתי in gematria equals 613, and thus Yaakov was indicating to Eisav that "I have lived with Lavan, but I observed the 613 commands, and I did not learn from his evil ways." Yaakov professed that although he spent many years with his evil, corrupt uncle, he remained loyal to the Torah and was not influenced by Lavan’s sinful conduct.
What was the source of Yaakov’s extraordinary resilience? How did he succeed in maintaining his religious standards while living with such an evil person for so many years?
Rav Shlomo Wolbe (Shiurei Chumash) finds the answer to this question in the word גרתי which is related to the word גר "a foreigner." In parshas Chayei Sara, Avraham Avinu told the benei Cheis– that he was a foreign resident, physically residing among them without actually being one of them. Similarly, throughout the twenty years that Yaakov spent with Lavan, he was a גר a foreign resident who was just passing through. He didn’t "unpack," get settled, or officially change his address, so-to-speak. This is how he succeeded in maintaining his commitment to Torah. He always saw himself as a foreigner, as somebody different, who did not fully belong where he was.
This is the key to resisting the natural process of assimilation. Although we must feel grateful for the freedoms we are given here in the Diaspora, at the same time, we must live with a sense of גרתי that we are foreigners, that this is not where we belong, that we are different, and that we need to be different. This is how we can say taryag mitzvos shamarti while living among other peoples.
The Torah commands us in Sefer Vayikra (18:3) not to follow gentile customs. Even if a custom is not inherently forbidden, nevertheless, if it is associated with foreign nations, we must refrain from it. The word chok used in this pasuk is related to the word חיק– "chest." If we accustom ourselves to the "heartbeat" of other nations, we forget about our own heartbeat. If we feel too comfortable with the חיק of the people around us, we are prone to abandoning our own, neglecting our own heartbeat, our own cherished values and customs.
We must therefore live with a sense of גרתי recognizing that we are different, that we are just גרים that we do not fully fit in, and this is the key to preserving our commitment to the תרי"ג מצוות.
