Incapable of Teshuvah
There are so many aspects of avodas Hashem that require bittul to the Ribbono shel Olam. A person feels bittul toward Hashem and is filled with gratitude towards Him, and he feels so pained because he did an aveirah. “The Ribbono shel Olam gave me my eyes and He gives them life at every moment, and now I went and used those eyes to cause pain to the Shechinah. Woe is me!” He feels deep regret. He says to the Ribbono shel Olam, “I don’t know how this happened.... Help me so that it never happens again. It’s so painful for me; I am filled with embarrassment.” But the ba’al ga’avah is removed from any such thinking... he is incapable of true remorse and regret... and so there are many aspects of avodas Hashem that he cannot access.
Is it any wonder that he doesn’t merit siyatta diShmaya?! He cannot do teshuvah, for he thinks that teshuvah is for everyone but him. He cannot properly praise and thank Hashem—for true thanks emanate from a feeling of being undeserving...a feeling that no matter how much he will give thanks it will never be enough, because he never deserved all this good. One who is not a ba’al ga’avah is afraid to ask for more, because he has already received so much.
However, our friend here doesn’t see it this way. In his hubris, he feels that he does deserve it all—and more. Thus, how can he give thanks with the proper attitude? His teshuvah is likewise no teshuvah, as said. His tefillah is no tefillah. And his Torah... it is better not to speak of it. It is certainly not about the Ribbono shel Olam. It is merely a tool for his ga’avah. He doesn’t have siyatta diShmaya, and therefore he is angry at the whole world. It is a vicious cycle that goes around and around...
“Remove from Me the Way of Falsehood”
Thus, this person’s problems didn’t begin now... they began much earlier. And so, perhaps one day, the Ribbono shel Olam will help him in the zechus of the tears of a grandmother or in the merit of some mitzvah that he did l’sheim Shamayim, and he will find the pasuk in Tehillim ממני הסר שקר דרך, remove from me the way of falsehood... and it will speak to him.
He received an arousal from Above... perhaps it was Chanukah, a time when it is illuminated even in the darkest places, and he discovered this pasuk....and he began saying it over and over, until it penetrated deep inside him—and he received a new outlook on himself. Everything changed. He began to understand that his previous perception of himself was based in error, and that he hadn’t seen the picture in the right light until then.
This person now has hope that HaKadosh Baruch Hu will help him.
