TRUE STORY
A couple came to me to find an Eitza for their Shalom Bayis. They are married for 20 years, yet they are still fighting tooth & nail. They are both wonderful people. But obviously, neither ever learned in Novardok, in which case they would be doubly happy, precisely because they have an opportunity for growth.
By the way, RSRH Zatzal had the same mentality of Novardok. He explains that: יֶּש לִּי כֹל (33:11) “I have EVERYTHING” that the Avos said, meant they were happy to “grow”, and not to “have” this and “have” that. Getting back to the couple, there is no communication and no connection. “I’m dealing with a “wall” who doesn’t listen and doesn’t “understand”. “I’m the type that needs warmth and love and encouragement, and my spouse isn’t there for me!”
“It’s bad enough that my parents ruined my self-esteem; now I have a critical spouse?!” Many, many of these types of situations are truly in a Gehinom situation, and these people cry throughout their lives: 'הוַ חֵרַ יְם םהֶּ ילֵ עַ may Hashem have Rachmanus on them. Yet, you have no idea how the way you think causes all your tears. Your well-meaning sympathetic friends are actually the cause of all your Tzaros.
Your friends may be full with Torah and Mitzvos, Shas and Tzedaka and Chesed without end. But I was taught by my Rabbeim, that saying: “You take that from him?” is exactly an Eisav mentality. “How can I forgive such horrific actions?” Indeed: וְעֶּבְרָתוֹ שְמָרָה נֶּצַח (Amos 1:11) "His hatred lasts forever” is exactly the Derech of Eisav. If a person doesn’t have a Torah mentality, which is loaded with Shviras HaMiddos, he’ll sound just like that... and his Fruma friends will even encourage him!
I told the couple how ludicrous it can be, where you need to “connect” and “understand” and “be connected”, etc. I myself witnessed several pre-war European marriages, and I was amazed how they tolerated and even laughed off certain behaviors of their spouses, that in our society they would need serious marriage counseling for years and years!
“But look at my brother/sister’s marriage? Why not me?” I told them to look at the various marriages in our holy Torah. Look how Avraham and Sara communicated, and how Rivka used underhand tactics to get her way, without ever telling her husband what a “Rasha” Eisav was! (See Netziv).
And if you’ll ask, why indeed, did Rivka not just tell Yitzchok what Eisav was all about? I don’t know. But there were marriages that were similar, and somehow everything worked... because they didn’t have so many “friends” (albeit Bnei Torah) and all kinds of “Tzaddikim” and Chasidim who knew the mentality of today’s modern world, of “how marriages are supposed to work” ... or else!!! Rachmana Litzlan!
