When Yisro was just about to enter the Jewish camp in the desert, he sent a shaliach (a messenger) to Moshe Rabbeinu to tell him that he was coming, and asked Moshe Rabbeinu to come out to greet him. Yisro traveled with Moshe's wife, Tzipora, and two children, Gershom and Eliezer. Yisro's message to Moshe was as follows: (18:6) אֲנִי ּעִמָּה בָנֶיהָ וּשְׁנֵי ָוְאִשְׁתְּך אֵל ֶיךָ בָּא יִת ְרוֹ ָחֹת ֶנְך, "I, your father-in-law Yisro, have come to you, with your wife and her sons with her."
Rashi explains that Yisro was saying, "If you don't want to come out in my honor, come out to honor your wife. If you don't want to come out for your wife's honor, come out for her two children." There is a concept that חמיו בכבוד אדם חייב, that a person must honor his father-in-law. Therefore, we understand why Yisro requested that Moshe come forth to honor him. He was the father-in-law, and he deserved respect. We also understand that Yisro requested that Moshe come forward to greet them, to honor his wife. As the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 15:19) writes, מ ִגּוּפוֹ יוֹתֵר אִשְׁתּוֹ אֶת מְכ ַבֵּד אָדָם שׁ ֶיִּה ְיֶה חֲכָמ ִים צִ וּוּ וְכֵן, "Chazal obligated that a person should honor his wife more than his self." Therefore, we understand that Yisro could ask Moshe to come forth for his wife's honor. But if these reasons weren't sufficient for Moshe to come forward to greet them, Yisro added that he should come in honor of his children, Gershom and Eliezer. We don't understand this final request, because a parent isn't obligated to honor his own children. What was Yisro referring to?
We can explain this based on the principle that children learn by example. When they see their father honoring his father-in-law and his wife, they will do the same when they are married. Yisro told Moshe, "If, for some reason, you don't want to come to me to honor me, or to honor your wife (although it seems you are obligated to honor us, according to halachah), nevertheless, I request that you honor us, so your children will learn by your example. Yisro said, "Come out for your children's sake", so they will learn from your actions. One of the foundations of chinuch is to teach children by being a good example.
The Power of Example in Chinuch
The Yeshuos Moshe of Vizhnitz zt'l would bring a hint to this concept from the pasuk (Bereishis 22:10) וַיִּקַּח בְּנוֹ אֶת לִש ְׁחֹט הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת אֶת, and as Rashi writes, הַמַּאֲכֶלֶת alludes to parnassah, to food. The Torah is warning us that parents shouldn't slaughter their children spiritually, r'l, due to their desire to earn parnassah.
Reb Shamshon Refael Hirsh explains that the Torah could have written אליעזר השני ושם, "The name of the second was Eliezer." This is how the Torah presents the korbanos Tamid, as it states בבקר תעשה אחד הכבש את הארבעים בין תעשה השני הכבש ואת, "one sheep sacrifice in the morning, and the second sheep sacrifice in the afternoon." When discussing Moshe's children, they are both called אחד. This is because parents should view each child as "one", as if he were their only child. No child should be considered "second".
Someone approached a rosh yeshiva and said, "I want the best bachur of your yeshiva to marry my daughter. Please tell me: Who is the best bachur?" The rosh yeshiva replied, "I have seventy best bachurim." There were seventy bachurim in the yeshiva, and the rosh yeshivah considered each bachur "the best one" in his own way.
In the Hagadah shel Pesach it states לשאול יודע שאינו ואחד תם אחד רשע אחד חכם אחד תורה דברה בנים ארבע כנגד, "The Torah speaks about four children: One is a rasha, one is a chacham, one is a tam, and one is a child who doesn’t know how to ask." The Hagadah could have presented this passage more briefly: חכם :תורה דברה בנים ארבע כנגד לשאול יודע שאינו ,תם ,רשע. Why does it elaborate and state אחד before each child? It’s to remind us that each child is a one; an individual, unique in his own way.
The words לבניך ושננתם have two meanings. It can be translated, "You shall teach your children", and Chazal tell us that it can also be translated "You shall teach your students”, because students are considered בנים, children.
The Brisker Rav zt'l explained that if you were to ask a teacher, “Which students are most on your mind?” the teacher would respond that the students who understand, cooperate, and behave are his best students. Now ask parents, “Which child is most on your mind?” and they will say that it’s the child who is struggling, doesn't understand well, has trouble behaving, etc. Parents will say that such children are always on their minds, because they try so hard to help them.
The Torah calls students בניך, your children, to teach rebbeim that they shouldn't only focus on their top students, and ignore the weaker ones. Their focus should also be on the weaker students, to help them, so they too can grow in Torah and yiras Shamayim.
Reb Shamshon Refael Hirsh zt'l teaches that a parent should consider each of his children as though he is their only child. The amount of energy, thought, prayer, etc., parents would invest in their only child, this is the extent parents should extend for every child they have, even if they have many children. Reb Shamshon Refael Hirsh says that this is alluded to in the pesukim (18:3-4) that tell the names of Moshe Rabbeinu's sons. It states, אליעזר האחד ושם ...גרשם האחד שם, "The name of one was Gershom... and the name of one was Eliezer..." Each son is called אחד, one, because a parent should view each child as though he is an only child.
The Midrash (Shemos Rabba 2:2) says, "When Moshe was tending to Yisro's cattle in the desert, one goat ran away. Moshe ran after it until they reached a green pasture where there was a stream of water. Moshe caught up to the goat and said, 'I didn’t know that you were thirsty. Now you’re tired.' Moshe carried the goat on his shoulder until he came to the place where the other cattle were grazing. Hakadosh Baruch Hu said, 'You have compassion on the cattle, therefore I swear that you will be the shepherd of My sheep, the Jewish nation...'
Rebbe Avraham of Stropkov zt'l explains that because Moshe cared for each sheep and for each goat, he merited being the shepherd of the Jewish nation, for a parent and a leader mustn’t lose sight of the needs of each individual.
A person was handed a keyring that held one hundred keys. He was told that one of the keys on the ring can open the lock on a specific door. He tried ninety-nine keys, but the door remained locked. He lost patience, grabbed an ax, and smashed open the door. This person is a fool. Why didn’t he try that last key? Clearly, that was the key that would have opened the door.
The nimshal is that there's a key to each child's heart. If you tried many approaches, and they didn't open your child's heart to Torah, emunah, and to middos tovos, apparently you didn't use the right "key". Try another approach; perhaps this time, your child's heart will open. Perhaps the methods you tried until now work for other people's children, but not for yours. Don’t do anything drastic, like breaking down a door. Be patient, keep searching until you find the right fit.
Sometimes, you should continue using the same approach of chinuch again and again, and in the end, you will succeed. Like a key that doesn’t open the lock at the first try, but when you jiggle the key around, eventually it opens the lock.
My father zt’l was once in Los Angeles, at the home of Reb Eliezer Adler z'l. Rebbetzin Adler asked my father, "If your daughter were to ask you for money to go to the theatre, what would you do?" My father didn’t know what to say. He never encountered anything like that before. She said, "When I was growing up in Yerushalayim, my friends were going to the theatre, and they wanted I should go with them. So I asked my grandfather, Rebbe Shlomke of Zvhil zt'l, for money to go to the theater. My grandfather gave me money, and as I was about to leave the room, he called me back and said, 'You asked me for money for the theatre, and I gave it to you. But you should know that my heart will break if you go there.' I immediately told my grandfather that I would not go to the theatre... not then, and not ever."
Reb Shlomke showed his granddaughter love, caring, and respect, and this helped her make a wise decision. This was the "key" to open her heart and to redirect her ways.
