You write that although you believe in G-d and His closeness, you are endeavouring to find your own way of serving Him. Finding your own path is a long and round-about way. It is analogous to the person searching for the secrets of the functions of the physical body, such as how food is converted into blood, tissue, energy, and sustains life. It would surely not be the right approach to stop eating and drinking, until he arrives to the conclusion of his study. Even a reduction in the necessary calorie intake would weaken his powers of reasoning and research and handicap him from ever attaining his objective.
Similarly, in an effort to find a way of serving G-d, one must not postpone such service until one has completed one's search. Moreover, the absence of the religious practice itself handicaps the powers of the intellect to grasp the truth. Since human intellect is naturally limited, while the subject it desires to grapple with is related to the unlimited, it is only with the aid of the Infinite G-d that one can hope to be lifted across the unbridgeable chasm separating the created and the Creator. Such Divine aid can come only through Divine service.
Finally, there is obviously no contradiction here to the principle of the freedom of personal choice. The real issue here is the proper approach and method to be undertaken now until one has arrived at the stage where one's intellect becomes sufficiently clear to confirm the established truth. The key to the solution is "Na'aseh V'Nishma," where "Na'aseh, "practical religion in daily life, is the prerequisite condition for "Nishma," study and understanding.
