Question: Dear Rabbi Mandel. My wife and I both pursue a simple lifestyle for ourselves and for our family. However, we can’t seem to agree on the proper haircut for our boys. Without delving into the S’varos (reasons), I am adamantly opposed to leaving any bangs (of any length) in the front of the haircut for boys. Meanwhile, my wife insists that we follow the prevalent style amongst even the sons of serious B’nai Torah, which seems to be that the boys leave their bangs in the front of the haircut. How should we resolve this matter?
Answer: The person with religious reasons should be respected. But first, check in with the local Rabbi who understands you and knows you, and realizes where you're coming from. He’s smart, and he should decide, if it’s a religious issue. Stick with him, and be M'vatel your Daas. But if it’s not a religious issue, breaking your nature, to give in to your spouse, is a big Zechus. GIVING IN IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN ALL THE HAIRCUTS IN THE WORLD.
A person has to learn to give in to a spouse. And the one who gives in is the better person (unless he or she’s a wimp, who doesn’t have any backbone). A person who can’t give in to another person’s point of view has got a serious issue. How are you going to come to the next world? You are going to come up there, and they are going to look at you: “What did you make of yourself?! You look a little bit like a German!” What me?? I'm not a German! I'm not a Nazi! “Oh no?” They couldn’t give in! They had to be on top! They couldn’t say “I'm wrong”. They weren’t good at that. You have to learn HUMILITY! Give in to the other person!
There is a Ma'aseh with R' Nosson. They were standing by the Kosel, and there were some 100 people waiting to speak to him. Someone approached him, and was discussing: “My wife this... my wife that...” And he commented: “You know why there are 100 people waiting here to talk to me? Because I know how to give in to my wife”.
If you can’t give in, then you become a nobody. You become a loudmouth who has to get his way. You remain immature. “But I'm right, and she’s wrong, and he’s wrong, and this wrong, etc.” THE ONE WHO GIVES IN, THAT’S A GOOD PERSON. A person who has to be adamant, and has to have his way, is immature and needs a lot of help. A lot of Mussar! That would come WAY before a lot of other areas. You can learn, you can do Chesed. MIDDOS COME FIRST! Basic Middos is NOT getting what you want. My Rabbeim loved it. Giving in. Speaking in a soft tone. Things you don’t like. And maybe the other party is really wrong. GIVING IN IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING. וַעֲנָוִים יִירְ שׁוּ אָרֶץ תהלים לז יא the humble will inherit the earth (and delight in abundant peace).
I'm not talking about being a wimp. But I see from what you're asking that there's no wimp in your family. That’s not the issue. Nobody’s butter. Everybody holds his own. Now, you want to be a real man, a real mensch? Let’s see you give in. You can’t do that? You’ve got a problem. I can’t help you. Middos has to become important in your life. The number one Midda, says the Chovos Halvavos
