Educational Jargon
Morah Sarah, a first-grade teacher well versed in educational jargon, asked the principal for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
Mail Order
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a mail order house: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Practice
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
Taxes
For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How do you know if you have a good tax accountant? They have a loophole named after them.
What's the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't meet every year to make death more complicated.
Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the exact same way.
Where there's a will, there's a tax shelter.
Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.
Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.
They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who can't.
The Rescue
My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.
My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!"
The hunter responded, "Don't quack."
The Drasha and the IRS
A couple of weeks after hearing a mussar drasha on Tehillim 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Tehillim 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), Yanky Schwartz wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year, and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
An Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem – her husband’s snoring.
So she called a prominent surgeon one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering.
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.