Last week’s Geshmake Question: Why did Lot’s wife turn specifically into salt?
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Geshmake Shidduch Question:
Yitzy was a great bachur and was in shidduchim, but every time he would meet a girl, they would say nicely, “Sorry, but it’s not going to work.”
Yitzy went to discuss it with Rav Chaim Kaneivsky zt”l and showed his scar by his eye, and said, “I’ve been in shidduchim for years, and as you see, since I have this big scar by my eye, no one wants to even look at me. I want to have plastic surgery so I can look better. I came to ask das Torah.”
Rav Chaim said, “It’s unnecessary; the girl who is for you will take you the way you look. Don’t hide it and tell her how you got this scar, be open about it.”
The next time a good shidduch was suggested, he met the girl, but it didn’t look like it was going anywhere.
Before he left, he said, “Did you see my scar? I just want to share how I got it.”
“When I was a young bachur, I was walking home and saw an Arab walking behind a young girl, and saw he was about to attack her. I started screaming. The girl ran away, but he came to me and stuck his knife next to my eye. Baruch Hashem, I didn’t go blind, but I fainted, and that’s the story behind the scar.”
She said “for ten years my parents and I have been looking for this bachur to thank him!” She started crying, and he started to cry as well.
When they told this whole story to Rav Chaim, he said, “Nu, Hashem’s ways are wondrous!”
Fast forward a few days later, they were about to get engaged, and Yitzy said, “I don’t want you to do this shidduch just because you owe me appreciation. You’re sure this scar doesn’t bother you?”
“You don’t understand,” she said. “What you consider a ‘bad looking’ scar, I consider a gold medal. If something happens and I get upset or annoyed at you once we’re married, I will look at this scar and remind myself what you did for me.”
What’s the lesson? 1) We only gain by listening to our rabbis and gedolim. 2) What you may think is bad for you can actually be for your good, not only in shidduchim, but in life as well.
3) The second the right shidduch is for you, Hashem arranges it.
This connects to this week’s parshah:
Sara’s entire life, “all of Sara’s days were good.”
Question: Sara was kidnapped twice and didn’t have kids for 90 years. How was it all good?
Answer: When you have emunah, everything is good, even if you don’t understand it. When it comes to shidduchim, we don’t always see the good side of waiting so long, it can get tough. But remember, no one is stealing your shidduch. Hashem has the perfect one for you.
Look at you different…
Older bachur in shidduchim once went to ask Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l if he could lie about his age and say he was younger.
Rabbi Shteinman said, “You already have one issue, you are getting older. Do you also want to become known as a liar?”
Fast forward. After this bachur got married, his wife told him “one of the main reasons I chose to marry you was because I asked your age – really I already knew it – I just wanted to see if you would tell the truth. You passed the test!”
That’s the lesson: 1) Be real. 2) Ask for advice. That is the benefit of being stuck in shidduchim.
Rav Gershon Ribner shlita, a son-in-law of Rav Shneur Kotler, answered: First, what is the point of any test in life, physical or spiritual? It builds a person and wakes them up. It gives you a chance to grow closer to Hashem by working on your emunah and davening.
The same is true with shidduchim. It makes you work on your trust in Hashem.
To answer specifically the benefit of being stuck in shidduchim: A person who has to wait to find their shidduch will appreciate their marriage partner much more. As opposed to someone who finds their shidduch quickly. Of course they also appreciate their marriage partner, they may just have to work harder to feel that appreciation.
Rav Mattisyahu Salomon zt”l said: A person who is in shidduchim for over two years and is still growing can be asked for a brachah.
Hashem should help everyone find their right one quickly… Remember, it is never a rejection, its redirection to the right one.
If you are called for information, for a shidduch, and you’re being asked specific questions (e.g., Does this person get angry? Learn daily? Pray with minyan, etc.), and you know the truth, should you say the truth? Or must you say the truth? Or none?
Stuck in shidduchim!
Chaim Rosenberg & M.Y. & Y.F. & Yovi Blasstein & Sruli Shaingarten & Tzvi Goldstein Answers:
Because when Lot let guest come into the house, she went to the neighbors and told them that she had a lot of guest and needs more salt. Because she used the excuse of needing salt as a way of telling out that she has guest, she was punished and turned into salt. Midah keneged midah.
Z. S. Answers: the people in Sdom were selfish. Salt doesn’t taste good by itself. When you put salt with other food it makes it taste good. Because she was selfish she turned into salt. When a man enjoys everything for himself, that’s “bitter.” When he shares with other, that very tasty. Since she was selfish she turned into salt which is bitter by itself.
L.&F. Answers: Hashem wanted they should focus ahead on a new, better future, but Lot’s wife “looked back at the city being destroyed,” which can mean “she looked and focused on her ‘past life’ at her traumas.” When one focuses on the destruction of the past, they turn bitter like salt.
