Farbrengen
Question:
My wife and I were very close when we first got married. But after 15 years of marriage, and especially over the past sev-en years, we've experienced more distance, more conflict, and less of the connection we once had. We both feel like the marriage is not giving us what we expected it would. I know something needs to change-but where do I begin?
Answer:
We often feel that if certain things in our marriage would change, the marriage itself would become better-better communi-cation, more quality time together, greater respect and appreciation, more understanding, and so on. Yet perhaps there is a more funda-mental question we can ask ourselves. Rather than focusing first on, "what needs to change?", we can ask ourselves, "what am I bringing to my marriage? What am I giving?"
There is a powerful story with the Alter Reb-be. A chassid was sharing his difficulties with his livelihood. After listening, the Alter Reb-be responded: "You are speaking about what you need. But you have not given a thought to what you are needed for."
That is the shift that can transform a marriage. From: "What do I need from my marriage?" To: "What does my marriage need from me?"
On the verse, "The righteous one flourishes like the palm; as a cedar in Lebanon he grows," (Tehillim 92:13) the Baal Shem Tov explains that there are two kinds of tzaddikim: the cedar and the date palm. A cedar grows tall and impressive, while a date palm produc-es sweet fruit that benefits others. Marriage calls us to become like the date palm-to move beyond asking what we can receive and begin asking what we can give.
When husband and wife are focused on what they are receiving, the result is a lack of close-ness. Yet, the more the focus is on giving, the more connected they become.
So rather than beginning with, "the marriage is not meeting our expectations..." consider beginning with, "what does my marriage need from me and what can I give?"
That shift in focus may be the beginning of the change you are looking for.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com
*** Marriage seminar for couples beginning Rosh Chodesh MarCheshvan (October 12th). Contact [email protected] to reserve your place.
