QUESTION

Dear Rabbi Gruen,

Thank you for your excellent lectures. I enjoy listening to them and have gained a lot of insight from them. Your recent class on hiding information from your spouse bothered me. While it makes sense to hide little things that a spouse will get annoyed at, I think that that only should apply in situations that are insignificant. Otherwise, who could trust their spouse?

However, some of the examples that you gave hint at an unhealthy aspect of a relationship. A husband can't tell his wife that he's fixing his friend's appliance for free? His friend can't tell his wife that he's paying his friend for his work? Unless both families are destitute, maybe someone should speak to the wives about how they should behave. It's NOT a l'chatchilah situation.

And if the husband splurges on lunch for $100, maybe she'll feel more comfortable splurging on a dress for $100 – guilt-free.

We all have our hang ups. It seems like the ultimate disrespect of a spouse to assume that they aren't able to hear another side and come around. Personally, when my husband hid something from me that I thought was a big thing, my reaction was, "I understand that my view was unfair and put unnecessary pressure on you, but couldn't we have had a conversation? You could have explained that I was unfair, or found someone else (a rav, etc.) who could have done it. Do you think that I am so unworkable?"

My favorite part of the class was the story of the man who explained to his wife how he'd like her to react when he tells her things. They probably have a respectful, trusting relationship. That story was THE shalom bayis tip.

Thank you again for your practical, Torahdig classes that cut to the point with clarity and insight. May Hashem grant you much hatzlachah in helping people and all other aspects.