SECRETS

This week's parshah relates how Yaakov Avinu "went down to Mitzrayim and dwelled there with a small number [bimsei me'at]..." The Imrei Emes ztz"l asks whether it would not be more usual to write that Yaakov "went down to Mitzrayim with a small number [of people] and dwelled there"?

Citing a Yerushalmi, he relates how a chacham was showing another person a very beautiful and ornate shul and quoted: "Vayishkach Yisrael oseihu vayiven heichalos-and the Yidden forgot their Maker and built palaces." In galus, the Imrei Emes continues, it is inappropriate to construct such ostentatious buildings. Rather, we Yidden should keep a low profile and take care not to arouse the jealousy of the goyim. This is the lesson we learn from Yaakov Avinu, who not only went down to Mitzrayim "on a small scale," but also dwelled there in such a manner, teaching us the importance of remaining low-key and not doing or saying whatever we feel like without first taking into account who is around us and what impression it will make on them.

Some people think that this applies only in public, and that at home, one should feel comfortable enough to be able to behave "naturally," with far less (or no) need to take others into consideration. After all, nobody likes the feeling of having to walk on eggshells within their comfort zone. But the truth is that even in our own homes we should be considerate of those around us, taking into account how they will respond to our behavior.

This applies just as much to words as to deeds. Some people believe that in a close relationship, it is always good to be as transparent as possible, sharing everything and hiding nothing. Others feel that it's simply an easier, more relaxed way to live. While it is often true that having fewer barriers creates more closeness, it is always true that showing consideration for other's feelings is an essential part of any relationship.

In general, it is good and beneficial to be open with a spouse, but there will always be times when a measure of secrecy is appropriate and openness could cause harm. While we should strive to be truthful when possible, if we encounter a choice between shalom and emes, peace and truth, it is more often emes that should be sacrificed.