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Question: My husband is pretty good at helping around the house. The problem is that he rarely finishes the job. He'll take out the trash but forget to put a new bag in the can. He'll clean the bathroom but leave the bathtub untouched. He'll go shopping and come home without the one item I specifically asked him to buy. I appreciate he helps, but the frustration makes me want to say, "Forget it-I'll just do it myself!" If I remind him, he says, "At least I took out the trash!" and tells me I'm being too nitpicky. Do you have ideas?

Answer: Much of our frustration comes from the gap between external reality and internal expectations. When things don't go as we envision, we become frustrated or disappointed. We generally have two choices: change the external situation or adjust our internal expectations.

Our natural instinct is usually to expect the external to change, and sometimes that is exactly what is needed. After all, some things are simply not acceptable. But often, working on our perspective not only brings us greater peace, it also improves the situation itself.

In your case, your husband is making an effort to help. Instead of allowing the unfinished details to overshadow everything else, try to focus on what he did accomplish. Focusing on the good helps us feel better about our spouse, feel better ourselves, and often encourages more positive behavior.

So too, adjusting expectations can have a positive affect. For example, if he completes 80 or 90 percent of the job, that can still be viewed as a success, at least for the time being. This doesn't mean giving up on improvement; it means deciding which issues are worth sacrificing your peace of mind over.

Finally, express appreciation for what he does well. Acknowledging our spouse's positive qualities-both in our thoughts and in our words-helps bring those qualities into greater manifestation. So too, we see this concept in prayer. Chassidus explains that praising Hashem's kindness helps reveal more of His kindness in our lives.

And, as your husband feels more appreciated and supported, he will likely become more receptive to your input.

However, you may discover that after making the above adjustments, things that once felt so frustrating no longer seem as important, and you will feel less of a need to point them out.

Aharon Schmidt, marriage and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com