Gender Roles and Double Standards in Torah Life

A philosophical question is really not necessarily my area of expertise at all; there are others who can address your questions of hashkafah, and I suggest that you reach out to someone like that. Nonetheless, your question also touches on shalom bayis issues, as many resentments and complaints emerge due to misconceptions about the roles of husband and wife in a Torah marriage. I will attempt to offer some helpful ideas.

You’re certainly right that in our day and age, the traditional gender roles have been distorted, resulting in a lot of discontent and frustration in both spouses. Even though the Torah is both unchanging and very clear about the duties and responsibilities of husband and wife, as secular ideas of gender equality infiltrate, people become very confused as to what a home should look like.

Question

Hi Rabbi Gruen,

I very much enjoy your shiurim, and I’d like to ask you a philosophical question that’s been on my mind.

In this day and age, it seems to me that women are expected to go out, work (sometimes as the sole earner), and take on a lot of the traditionally male responsibilities. Yet, in many ways, they are still expected to stay home and do not have the same social and leadership opportunities as men.

What I hear people say or write about this topic is, “Kol kevudah bas melech penimah” — the women’s place is in the home.

For example, last Motzaei Shabbos, several local shuls made a Melaveh Malka just for men and boys. One of the shuls even used the passuk I mentioned above in their email letting women and girls know that they are not invited.

Another example: Why are Motzaei Shabbos night learning programs only for fathers and sons? After all, women also have a responsibility to learn and know halachah. Unfortunately, there is very little emphasis or opportunity for women or young girls to attend shul and learn. In fact, in many of my local shuls, the women are upstairs and can’t even see what’s going on in the men’s section, so it’s understandable that few come to daven when they can only hear.

I’m sure you can think of your own examples. Why does this double standard exist? If it were up to you, which changes would you propose?

Thank you very much for your time.

Response

Things have gone so far, in some communities, that chassanim and kallos are taught new ideas that sound more like the explanations that are given to secular Jews just getting interested in Yiddishkeit, trying to align modern perspectives with what the Torah teaches. While that might be needed for those coming from a different world, they are far from what should be taught to people who one would assume should know better. We need not defend the Torah view in light of what Western society suggests. Given that the outside world is in dire straits when it comes to gender roles, it makes no sense that we feel obligated to justify ourselves to outsiders, but there it is.

To give a very clear example of the Torah’s uncomplicated position, let me present the explanation of the Avudraham as to why women are not obligated in the time-bound mitzvos. Women, he writes, are obligated to attend to the needs of their husbands. If they were also obligated to attend to time-bound mitzvos, inevitably the two would clash at some point or other, leaving them faced with the option of neglecting their duties to Hashem versus neglecting their duties to their husbands.

This idea of a woman being available for her husband, and not being expected to be busy with other things, is almost foreign by now. Women are doing almost everything men are doing, and in a certain sense there’s no reason they shouldn’t be obligated in all the mitzvos too. It seems that things have gone a bit off course somewhere.

It’s not always the women themselves who cause this. Often, it’s the husband who demands that his wife be “more,” even when he ends up feeling neglected by a wife who is no longer fully available to tend to his needs, simply because they are now both going out to work and the wife comes home at the end of the day just as exhausted as he does. If he expects her to work and also attend to all his needs at home, how is that reasonable?

No woman is obligated to support her family, and no man is permitted to demand this of his wife. If a woman freely agrees to being the sole breadwinner and supporting the lifestyle of a kollel yungerman, that’s wonderful, but it’s not her role. And it often means that she will be less capable in other areas.

Conversely, there are women who claim that “their role” is to stay home and that all out-of-the-house chores simply must be done by the husband — yet they then go out and socialize whenever they feel like it. Of course women may need to and should have time for themselves, but if they then refuse to go to the grocery when needed “because that’s a man’s job,” then they are just as guilty of double standards as men who expect their wives to somehow manage everything and resent it when they can’t.

Therefore, as a starting point, I would suggest that each person determine whether he would like to live by the old standard and understand the Torah’s concept of roles, or not.

So much of this contemporary problem comes down to a lack of appreciation. The Gemara tells us that men should appreciate their wives for the very basics that they provide in the home. If husbands expect women to earn this appreciation by becoming part-men, then implicit in that expectation is their lack of appreciation for all women do as women.

Women are bombarded with “equality” messages from the secular world and then tend to feel excluded from many aspects of religious life. The Torah does not use expressions that suggest equality, and certainly makes a man the master of his home. This doesn’t hint to women being “less”, but if a woman’s role is less visible than a man’s, then in a world where visibility means status, it can certainly feel inferior.

Both men and women can counteract these messages with messages of their own which emphasize the critical importance of the akeres habayis in raising ehrliche children. Just as the sometimes stern guidance of a father is essential in children’s upbringing, so too is the warmth and attention of the mother.

This is one reason why in the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim, the commandment to “revere” mentions the mother first, while the commandment to “respect” mentions the father first. Since fathers are often stern and strict, children may be tempted to rebel and therefore the Torah cautions children to respect them. With mothers, the natural warmth of the relationship sometimes detracts from the reverence a child should have for his mother, and so the Torah stresses the importance of keeping a measure of awe-inspired distance.

When a mother feels trapped in the home or her husband denigrates or fails to appreciate her contribution as an akeres habayis, it’s easy to understand why she feels “less.” The Torah does not by any means support that perception, however. Sarah Imeinu was as much a teacher of Torah as Avraham Avinu, not in spite of being a woman “in the tent” but because of it. When women choose or are forced into becoming part-men, they often lose some of their natural warmth and closeness, and this is a tremendous loss not only for them but also for their children. Living within the Torah’s guidelines is not just right; it’s also sensible and brings about the best results for everyone — father, mother, and children.

On a deeper level, the Torah’s gender division goes beyond making sense — it simply makes things work. When the Ari Hakadosh explains why women are not obligated in certain mitzvos, he does not refer to a woman’s duties to her husband (as the abovementioned Avudraham) but chooses to emphasize the fact that husband and wife are two halves of the same soul. Therefore, what the husband does, he does for both of them, and vice versa.

This doesn’t mean that women may not learn Torah beyond what they need to know, nor does it mean that men may not help out at home. In cases of necessity, of course each spouse should help the other. But Torah study remains a life mission for the husband and will never be for the wife. Similarly, what a man does to help his wife in “running” the home is important and expected, but will never reach the same level of obligation as hers.

Ultimately, only acceptance of the truth of Torah on a deep level will solve this “philosophical” dilemma, and only appreciation of the husband for his wife as a woman, and of the wife for her husband as a man, will eliminate resentment and discontent.