Figure it out
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I told my sister she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
The past, present and future walked into a bar, it was tense
It will always annoy me that a group of squids is not called a squad
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
Shout out to all the people who don't know what the opposite of in is!
Sam and the Rolls-Royce
Sam Schwartz finished his 18 holes at his expensive country club but declined his buddies’ drink invitation, explaining that he had an early dinner invitation and was late already.
Arriving at the main entrance, he was met by a valet with the bad news that his car wouldn’t start, but that they had called a mechanic who would be there in an hour. ”An hour! I’m late already” The young man’s face brightened as he pointed to the door and said, “There’s Mr. Goldberg. He lives in your neighborhood doesn’t he? He can give you a ride.” Schwartz thinks to himself, “I can’t stand Goldberg, that arrogant, bragging egotist” But he’s under time pressure, so he asks for a ride. Goldberg answers, “Of course I’ll help you out. And the good news is that you will get to ride in my new Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud.”
They are driving along and Schwartz had to admit that he is fascinated by all the dials and digital instruments. He asks, “What’s this?” Goldberg answers, “That’s my 3D GPS”. “And all these numbers?” Goldberg replies, “That’s the car status as indicated by the on-board computer.”
After a couple of more questions from Schwartz, Goldberg haughtily turns to Schwartz and says ”It seems that you have never been in a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud before, right?”
Sam paused for a second and answers, “Well...never in the front seat.”