After Davening to Hashem, Let Go of All the Pressure
Remember the Risk
Previously, we learned the words of the Chovos HaLevavos in which he explains that people tend to rely on humans who “love them, have mercy and compassion upon them... and who want what is good for them.” This presents a great danger to the entire concept of asking favors from others, and we must learn how go about it in the proper way. More importantly, we must learn to ask favors from the true and greatest One of mercy and compassion and rely solely upon Him.
When We Ask for a Favor but Remain Restless
When we think about it, there are two ways of asking others for favors: One way is when the person runs from one person to the next, desperate for someone to do him this favor. For example, a person is looking for work, and he asks his brother-in-law if he knows of any ideas, and he says, “I’ll think about it.” But this doesn’t reassure the seeker—and so he walks into the nearest business establishment and asks them about any openings. And so he goes, from one person to the next, with his hands outstretched.
The same applies to many different dilemmas people are trying to resolve. For example, his son’s yeshivah informed him that it would be best to hire a tutor to learn with the boy. This sets in motion a feverish chain of events as the father makes one phone call after another... stopping people in the street to ask for help—because he needs this right now. And he’s restless and agitated throughout the process.
When We Ask Favors Only from One Person
But then there’s another type of favor—and it is when we need a very weighty and serious favor. In this case, we must choose carefully from whom we ask this favor. It’s not something regarding which we can just approach anyone in shul or any passerby. It doesn’t make sense to do so....
A person will generally invest much thought into whom he will ask for this favor, and into how he will approach him. When he settles upon a plan, he will very deliberately call this person and ask respectfully, “When would I be able to meet with you? I wanted to discuss an important matter.” At the appointed time, he comes to him with submissiveness and respect, and he pours out his heart in the hopes of being granted the favor.
The point is the approach he takes in asking for this favor. He doesn’t plan to ask many people for this favor—because he really hopes that this specific person will do it for him, and he has no intention of asking anyone else.
When We Rely on One, We Don’t ask Another
Sometimes, a person will decide whether to take the first or second approach based on whether he intends to pay for the favor. If he’s asking for a free favor, he may go around to many people, because it doesn’t cost him anything. But he knows that he must pay for it, he will tend to focus on one person. Before taking money out of his pocket, he will verify that he has the right person, and then he won’t need anyone else.
In other cases, he won’t ask many people because the person that he first approached has given him a very strong assurance: “Leave it to me. You can rest assured... I’ve got this.” He feels that this person took it on as his own project, and thus he feels no need to ask anyone else.
When the Pressure Remains
In all of this, the big question in all of this is: How much baggage does one carry around with him after asking someone for a favor?
In the first instance we mentioned, the person will carry around the entire weight of the matter even after approaching a person for a favor—because he doesn’t really have complete faith that this person will work for him day and night. He tried his luck... he approached ten people, hoping that at least one of them will help him out.
The greatest proof of this is in the very fact that he approaches a second person, and a third.... Why are you asking other people? Didn’t you just ask a person to do it for you? Don’t you trust that he’ll do it? The answer is that it was more of an unburdening than a practical trust that the favor will be done. He doesn’t really feel the worry leave his heart.
Approaching the Expeditor
In the second instance, however—when he has already approached a person with seriousness, and perhaps even paid him money to move things forward—it’s very different. A person feels that he no longer needs to worry about the matter. It’s done. “This person will surely help me. I can go about my life, taking care of other things.” The matter is now in someone else’s hands.
For this reason, there are many businesses today that were built on this precise concept. When someone needs to get something done, but he’s not familiar with the details and the intricacies of the matter, he goes to an expeditor or a facilitator. People are paid to take the headache off your head.
If a person owns real estate, but he can’t be busy with renting out apartments, he will hire a management company to find tenants and collect rents. “I don’t want this on my head,” he says. “I want to be assured that the matter is in good hands.” The bottom line is, “I asked someone to do it for me, and I want to be able to consider it done.” This person takes it over, and I no longer need to carry the worry on my mind.
Giving Matters Over to the Ribbono shel Olam
Now, when it comes to the sugya of approaching the Ribbono shel Olam—the one true address Who can really help us with every favor—with our needs and requests, it is clear and obvious that we must approach Him with the second attitude mentioned here; after we have asked for the favor and communicated our needs, we should be calm and serene, secure in the knowledge that He will take care of it.
Sometimes, a Yid davens Shemoneh Esrei, and he asks the Ribbono shel Olam for a big favor. He asks Hashem to help him, but two minutes after davening, he’s making phone calls furiously regarding the favor that he needs....
One may ask, “Don’t we need to do hishtadlus?! Don’t we need to do our part.” Yes, we must make our efforts. But look into your heart, and think about the way and the approach that you davened to the Ribbono shel Olam for this matter. Let’s not talk about hishtadlus right now. Let’s analyze for a moment the feeling that you had as you davened to Hashem.
After Davening, There’s No Place for Worry
After you approached the Ribbono shel Olam with your request, you should feel that “The matter is taken care of. I can go out and do other things. How will it happen?! How it will the matter be resolved?! I don’t know. But I davened to Hashem, and I know that He will help me. I can go on with my life.” A person who immediately begins running around to everyone else most likely didn’t experience this feeling as he was davening. For this reason, he was scrolling through all the contacts in his phone, desperately looking for the person who has protektzia and who may be likely to help him.
In other words, as he was davening, he didn’t really experience a feeling of trust and reliance in his heart. And this is a shame—because the proper attitude in davening is that the matter doesn’t interest the person anymore after he has thrown it onto a trustworthy entity. “I can go back to my daily schedule; I consider the matter resolved.” A person who experiences bitachon of this caliber merits the assurance חסד בה' הבוטח יסובבנו, one who trusts in Hashem is surrounded by kindness, and he merits all the tremendous blessings that come with bitachon.
Asking for a Favor Without Reliance
One may say, “Wait a minute. I davened to the Ribbono shel Olam that my son should find a shidduch. Are you telling me that I am now not allowed to call a shadchan?! If I asked for a specific yeshuah, may I no longer do anything about it?! I should close my mouth, and not even talk to anyone about it?!”
The answer to this question: No one said that we’re prohibited from asking for a favor from a person. There’s no prohibition, and it’s not heretical to do so. But this we must know: It is assur to rely upon the person whom you’re asking for the favor. And if you feel strongly that your hishtadlus will bring the salvation, then you’re practically announcing to the world that your entire davening to Hashem wasn’t really properly placed. You haven’t really relied upon Hashem, and you didn’t leave the matter in His capable and willing hands.
Don’t Make a Laughingstock of Your Davening
Imagine that a Yid came to you and unburdened his heart: “You have to do this favor for me; I have no one else to approach. I implore you... look into this matter for me. You’ll mamash save me.” You feel moved by his plea, and you feel compelled to really go out of your way to help this person. Normally, you wouldn’t be inclined to do this favor, because it’s a bit embarrassing. But seeing the desperation of your friend, you’re committed to doing it.
How would you feel if you noticed that a moment later, he approaches your friend with the very same intensity and desperation, with the very same request... and this person indeed pledges to help him. What would be your reaction? B’seder! It seems like the matter is in capable hands. Have a nice day.
Whom Are You Asking?
Of course, we can’t compare the conduct of the Ribbono shel Olam to the feelings of mere mortals—but if your davening is followed by a feeling that someone else will resolve the matter for you, it means that you have abandoned your trust in Hashem. Maybe you felt it as you were davening, but now you have departed from that feeling of trust.
If a person davens, and submits his requests to Hashem, but then relies on another person—it often reveals that his tefillah and his trust were never sincere or authentic. For why would he run around to everyone who would listen if he was still under the influence of his trust in Hashem? Perhaps he did daven with sincere trust, but he broke that feeling with his subsequent actions and apparent attitude.
So, while there’s nothing wrong with approaching others to help you after you have davened to Hashem, we must ensure that we do not do so with the feeling that “they will help you.” Don’t invest your entire feeling into it. Remember all the while that the Ribbono shel Olam, to Whom you davened—only He will help you in this matter.
We Can Get Everything We Need Without Pursuing It
Excessive Hishtadlus Is Pointless
There’s an important principle we must internalize before asking for a favor from another person: The Ribbono shel Olam created the world with a system in which everything a person needs will come to him, without him having to pursue it.
Everyone can think of stories and anecdotes that transpired in his own life where he made many efforts and hishtadlus, and in the end, the salvation arrived from a completely different source, wholly unexpected. We must remember these stories, for these give us the chiuzk to understand and internalize that the yeshuah doesn’t necessarily have to come from hishtadlus. People may tell others “I’m already listening to shidduchim for my son.” But the shidduch will not at all necessarily come from these efforts.
Don’t Invest So Much Hope in Your Hishtadlus
There are instances where no one in the world knows that you need this favor—and in this case, a great level of bitachon is needed for us to speak with the Ribbono shel Olam alone. But in general, very little is hidden. When we need shidduchim for our children, people tend to be aware of it.
It’s surely acceptable to remind the shadchan that we have a child “on the market,” but we must remember that we don’t necessarily have to invest all our energies into hishtadlus. Remember that it doesn’t help anyway. Remember and reiterate that the Ribbono shel Olam will send you the right shidduch precisely when the time will be right.
No Additional Notices
An individual from Yerushalayim told the following story: He was about to relocate to America for a few months, and he wished to rent out his apartment during this time.
He placed a “for rent” notice in shul and waited for the call to come in. In the meantime, only a few hours later, the gabbai cleaned the shul and removed the notice from the wall. A debate ensued between the man and his wife. While he was hesitant to affix a new notice, his wife insisted that hishtadlus required that he do so. But the man held his own, asserting that he’s already done his part, and anything more would be excessive.
Some time went by, and no calls came in.... All seemed lost regarding this matter.
But on the very day that he was meant to depart the country, he went out to purchase some medicine. Just then, a car stopped in front him, and the stranger driving the vehicle asked him, “Yungerman, would you happen to know of any apartments available for rent in this area for three months?”
A contract was soon signed, and the apartment was indeed rented for those three months—without any signs on the walls....
Understanding That We’re Dependent Solely on Hashem
Stories like these happen every day, but we don’t notice them. We simply need to internalize that all our needs can be fulfilled without ever needing to approach anyone. You simply are not required to approach anyone for anything! All your needs will come to you, even without pursuing others. Perhaps when it comes to something that’s hidden, it’s acceptable to do so... but there’s certainly no obligation for this. We’re allowed to ask for a favor, but it doesn’t have to consume us.
The Chovos HaLevavos is outlining the attitude that the ba’al bitachon must always have: The Ribbono shel Olam’s love for me is limitless. He thinks about me always, and He knows what I need. He wants to give me everything that is best for me, and He knows better than I do what is good for me. Therefore, when I need a favor, He will be my first address! I will daven to Him, and after davening, I will be very careful with the way that I approach another person for a favor. Even when I choose to do so, I will always keep in mind that the Ribbono shel Olam is the One granting me salvation.
Hishtadlus Is Permitted Because It Brings Bitachon
The Beis HaLevi explains that hishtadlus is permitted only because it enables us to have greater bitachon. How so? He explains that most people aren’t on a high level of bitachon, and when they see that salvation hasn’t yet arrived, they could despair and become forlorn. For this reason, the Torah allowed us to engage in hishtadlus, so we can occupy ourselves and feel as if we’re doing something.... Engaging in hishtadlus gives us a good feeling. When someone tells you, “I have a good idea or suggestion for you...,” even if it doesn’t materialize, it brings us a good feeling. This good feeling gives us the strength and the capacity to remain strong and to have bitachon in Hashem.
It is important for us to remember this: the only reason we’re even allowed to engage in hishtadlus is to give us the peace of mind necessary for us to place all our trust and reliance in Hashem alone!
