Question:
What should a person be thinking when his heartfelt Tefilos don't get answered? My friend suffered the loss of her unborn child. After that, she got Brachos from Rebbe’s and became pregnant again. She went to Eretz Yisrael and davened nonstop for the health of this child. When she came back, she discovered that she lost this baby as well. She feels like there's no point in davening - she davened so hard!! She doesn't want to hear "the Tefilos were put away for a different Yeshua". She doesn't want a different Yeshua. She wants a healthy baby, and she wants it now!
I have the same question for myself as well. My 8-year-old is davening for a specific Yeshua. He started saying Tehilim with a lot of Kavana every night for this specific Yeshua. Every day he is confident that today is going to be the day that his Yeshua will come, and every day he's disappointed anew!!! I'm finding myself getting angry at Hashem. Can't You listen to this innocent child?? He's davening so sincerely, with his whole heart!! Must You test his Emuna at such a young age????? C'mon! How hard is it for You to give my child what he's begging for??
Answer:
The mistake of the universe is that people do not realize that Hashem owes us nothing. It says: כָּל הַמַּרְבֶּה לְסַפֵּר בִּיצִיאַת מִצְרַיִם הֲרֵי זֶה מְשֻׁבָּח (the more you go on about Yetzias Mitzrayim, the more you are praiseworthy). The Rambam says that it’s a good thing to ask Hashem for things, but you don’t get: מְשֻׁבָּח (praised) for asking, only for thanking; the more you thank Hashem, the more: מְשֻׁבָּח (praiseworthy) you are. Asking is fine for some, but for others, asking Hashem is poison. We were born to change our Middos. There are people who want children, but Hashem wants Middos. Middos are more important than children.
There is a story with the Steipler where someone came to him for a Bracha for children; he didn’t want to give it. They pressured him, and he finally gave them the Bracha. They had a child… who destroyed the town with his wickedness. The Steipler said that the Midda of insisting to get what you want is not a good thing. Eisav says: יֶשׁ לִי רָב (I have A LOT), and Yaakov says: יֶשׁ לִי כֹל (I have EVERYTHING). Eisav wants to have everything. He wants to have this, he wants to have that, and that’s why he isn’t satisfied. But Yaakov is satisfied, and that’s why he says: יֶשׁ לִי כֹל (I have EVERYTHING) because Yaakov isn’t into “what I need”, he wants to BE, to BE this and to BE that, you came in this world to become something. You really came for Middos.
Having isn’t the Tachlis of this world. Let’s say someone has it all – he’s not the ideal person. The ideal person is someone who is struggling, someone who works on themselves. I just spoke to someone, his wife was difficult and complaining, and because of working on Bitachon she changed herself and worked on her Middos. By the way, she didn’t have children. It’s very rare for someone to do that. She reads my stuff, by the way. This is worth more than a million children. This rocks the universe. This will get you Olam HaBah, and will help others too. Wanting to get this & that is deeply rooted with Kavod, with not feeling inferior to others, it’s all Middos controlling them.
Their suffering comes from the way they were brought up to think. They think: he has this, you have that, and that’s why you are breathing?? It is enough that you are ALIVE! How can someone complain?? But the environment is heavily involved in what you “have”, even in Ruchaniyus. Your main goal in life is to grow. And if you are around people who are into the truth, idealists in life, then you will be happy. What you really want in life is to be happy. Just that you think that children will make you happy. But that’s a myth, because if you are the kvetchy type, then all the children in the world won’t make you happy. You will have plenty what to complain about, IT’S YOUR NATURE THAT YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPY, AND YOU WILL APPRECIATE YOUR PAIN.
I knew many Novardokers who lost their families in the war, yet after the war they were super happy; their main objective in life wasn’t about getting this or that, rather about where am I holding in my Avodas Hashem, in working on my Middos and Simchas HaChaim. You should tell your son to stop davening. Not everyone has to get everything; be happy with what you have. In the next world you probably picked what you have, and you wouldn’t be happy with what you are craving for. ה' רֹעִי לֹא אֶחְסָר (I lack nothing). It’s all in your head that you need this & that, it’s all fake fun; the only real fun is Shviras HaMiddos. BE HAPPY WHEN YOU DON’T GET IT. Tell the kid he’s special, and he’s great without this. Do you want a list of Gedolim who didn’t get what they wanted? The Satmar and Lubavitch Rebbe’s had no kids & many other pecklach. Many had crazy wives too. Reb Elya Weintraub said that you’ll never get all you want, is the biggest mistake to think you will get all you desire. To keep your sanity, don’t be so frum and daven all day; start thanking for everything. Be happy you are frum. Don’t be part of the rat race “who has more”. A soldier of Hashem wants to help others. You help others when you accept Yissurim.