Question: My wife complained the other day that I hardly ever call her from work. She said that once I leave the house, I forget about her. I responded, “that’s not true. I call you at least once a day.” I feel like no matter how hard I try, she is never satisfied. Should I just accept that she will never be totally happy with me, stop trying to make her happy, and be okay with that?
Answer: It can be frustrating when you feel that your efforts are not being recognized. But before concluding that your wife will never be satisfied, it may help to listen more carefully to what she is really saying.
In marriage, we need to learn to read between the lines—to hear not only the words our spouse says, but the feelings underneath them. When your wife says, “you hardly ever call me,” she may not actually be making a factual statement about how many times you call. She may really be saying, “I miss you when you’re away. I feel lonely. I want to know that you’re thinking about me even when we’re apart.”
If you hear her words through the filter of “me”, your natural response is to defend yourself: “That’s not fair. I do call! Why doesn’t she appreciate what I do?” Now the conversation becomes about proving who is right.
Instead, try to see her. You might say, “you’re right, I should call you more. I want you to know that when we’re apart, I think about you and look forward to being together again. I realize I need to express that more and not just keep it inside.”
Often, spouses have loving thoughts and feelings that they simply don’t express. We assume, “of course my spouse knows how I feel.” But knowing something intellectually is very different from hearing and experiencing it. Part of creating emotional closeness is learning to share more of what is in our hearts.
This connects to the Chassidic concept of bittul. In marriage, bittul doesn’t mean erasing ourselves or always believing we are wrong. It means making space for a reality beyond ourselves—putting aside our instinct to defend ourselves long enough to truly see our spouse and understand their perspective.
You cannot make another person happy all the time. But you can help your spouse feel seen, valued and loved. Very often, that is what they were asking for all along.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com