Wage Envy
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do?
Special Skills
If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.
Riddle
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age.
Glass Half-Empty
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A Different Perspective
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription for you.
Complicated Situation
It’s difficult to say what my wife does: she sells seashells down by the seashore.
The Customer Knows Best
I said “Sorry for the wait” to a customer and she turned around and said, “No you’re not.” And you know what? She was right.
From Abstract to Concrete
There was a rabbi known for his constant preaching about the need to nurture children with warmth and love. One time he noticed some children who were playing in the freshly laid concrete outside his newly-renovated home, their little feet leaving lasting impressions. He became irritated and started chastising the children.
A congregant asked, "How can you, a person who devoted his entire life to teaching warmth to children, speak this way?" To which the rabbi replied: "You must understand. I love children in the abstract, not the concrete."
A long throw
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
Untrue Phrases
Some phrases are only used when they are untrue.
- "I'm sure I..."
- "I don't want to contradict you..."
- "With all due respect..."
- "It goes without saying..."
- "... not to mention ..."
- "No offense..."
- "Oh no, I couldn't possibly..."
- "I won't make this a long speech."
- "Nothing, darling."
- "Serves 4"
- "Back in 5 min"
- "I'll just put you on hold for a moment."
- "Congratulations! You have been specially chosen/selected..."
Good Advice
How to parallel park: Step 1 - Park somewhere else.
Reasonable Request
My colleagues and I decided to remove the suggestion box from our office because it received so few entries. We stuck the box on top of a six-foot high metal storage cabinet and forgot about it. Months later, we found a single slip of paper inside. The suggestion read, “Lower the box!”
Rule of Law
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Me: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Yichus
"Our family can trace our yichus (ancestry) back almost two thousand years to the great Rabbi Akiva," said Moishie Stern to his classmates at recess.
Moishie turned to his friend Shlomo and asked in a sarcastic tone, "So how far back does your family go, Shlomo?"
"I don't know," Shlomo replied. "My father told me that all of our records were lost in the flood."