Submission, Separation and Sweetening in the Laws of Family Purity
When a woman begins menstruating, she and her husband must separate immediately, regardless of any previous plans. This first stage is called “days of seeing” (yemei re’iyah). This initial stage lasts approximately five days until the flow of menstrual blood completely ceases. This separation entails not only an act of true submission to God who gave the laws of family purity, they also involve a deep psychological and emotional state of existential humility, an admission that we alone are unable to mend the physical gap that menstruation has opened between us and caused us to “fall” from marital intimacy. Indeed, submission is always softened by the knowledge that the distance is a temporary state and will ultimately reveal itself as serving a higher purpose. This stage concludes with a physical examination to ensure that the menstrual flow has stopped called “pause for purity” (hefsek taharah).
The second stage of separation, referred to as the “seven days of cleanliness” (shivah nekiyim) begins at the cessation of the menstrual flow and continues for seven days. During this time, the couple refrains from all physical contact, a stage of literal physical separation. Despite physical separation, the couple is encouraged to enhance their relationship intellectually and emotionally, as discussed above. At the end of these seven days, the woman immerses in a mikveh, a ritual bath.
The third and final stage, sweetening, is known as “days of purity” (yemei taharah) begins when the couple reunites, experiencing the joy and renewal of being together again, much like a bride and groom on their wedding night. This culminating stage of sweetening usually lasts for approximately eighteen days, the gematria of the word life, chai.
The cycle of the laws of family purity described keep a marital relationship fresh and prevents the common issue of couples becoming tired of each other sexually over time. The laws of family purity ensure that the relationship remains vibrant. In a world where relationships often begin with sexual attraction, which can become stale, these laws provide a structure that fosters ongoing renewal and intimacy. Mikveh night becomes a time of celebration and connection, reinforcing the bond between husband and wife.
As we have seen, the detailed explanation of the stages in the laws of family purity exactly fit the Ba’al Shem Tov’s teaching about the three stages of all physical and spiritual processes: submission, separation and sweetening. The application of the laws of family purity in both their physical and spiritual sense highlights the profound wisdom of this practice. Submission, separation, and sweetening not only maintain the relationship's freshness but also deepen the spiritual connection between husband and wife.
