The fact that the Torah obligates the husband to provide his wife with marital intimacy was as revolutionary in its time as it is today. Contrary to most, if not all, other cultures, the Torah considers sexuality in the context of marriage as primarily a man’s responsibility to his wife. Taking this one step further, the Oral Torah notes that the man should not just go through the motions in a perfunctory fashion; he must also place his wife’s pleasure before his own.
This approach certainly departs radically from the crass and degrading treatment of women as sexual objects pervading many cultures around the world, especially in the subtle and not so subtle use of female sexuality in contemporary mass media and especially advertising. The Torah outlook is diametrically opposed to these prevailing practices and absolutely rejects the crude use of women and degradation of sexuality.
The expression of sexuality within the appropriate marital framework is seen by Judaism as a holy act, bringing together husband and wife in the most intimate and spiritual manner. Although a wife is also obligated to provide her husband with marital intimacy and pleasure, the Torah emphasizes, and enshrines in law, that it is first and foremost a husband’s obligation to his wife.
The Foundation of Marital Relations
Towards the end of parashat Metzora, the basic laws relating to menstruation and the requirement that a couple refrain from intimacy during that time are detailed. These laws, known as the laws of family purity, dictate the rhythm and cycle of marital relations and are considered the foundation of Jewish married life and a Jewish home. Kabbalah associates sexuality and by corollary the laws of family purity with the sefirah of foundation, thus intimating that they are the foundation upon which a Jewish home is built. Although the importance of these laws cannot be fully elaborated in this short article, we would like to briefly share two of their fundamental rationales.
Firstly, by creating a cycle wherein physical intimacy between husband and wife is permitted at specific times and forbidden at others, a multidimensional relationship is established. By restricting physical intimacy, the laws of family purity provide the space for other facets of the relationship to develop more fully. The following verse in Song of Songs poetically touches on these various levels of emotional and intellectual attachment between husband and wife:
I am asleep, but my heart is awake! A sound! My beloved knocks! [He said] “Open [your heart] to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is filled with dew and my locks with the drops of night.”
This moving and complex verse includes a masterly described range of emotional and cerebral connections between husband and wife. “My sister” relates to the deep friendship that should exist between married couples. “My love” represents the fiery, intimate attraction indispensable to a healthy marriage. “My dove” symbolizes the intellectual compatibility individuals require to communicate. “My perfect one” relates to the deep spiritual and mystical soul mate connection rooted deep in a couple’s souls.
Secondly, the obligation to refrain from intimacy by remaining physically separate for a certain period of time every month has the paradoxical effect of enhancing the intimate passion between husband and wife. Sexual boredom and loss of passion have disastrous effects on a marriage. Although not always discussed openly or identified as the real problem in a marriage, this reality subtly and unconsciously undermines and destroys many marital relationships. The monthly cycle of closeness and separation does wonders for rekindling love and passion within a marriage. Even secular psychologists are beginning to realize this, and professionals are finally utilizing the inner wisdom of these God-given laws to heal broken relationships.
