Well, part of the news that my doctor shared with me from the latest scans etc. was that there was significant growth of the tumors by my lungs, which (besides now being considered the definite cause of my cough) was of concern to them. They had me start some “regular” chemo, which I did earlier this week, before we start the T cell treatment, to try to cause some reduction in that area.
Which brings me to another thought:
As chassidim, we wear a gartel, during davening and at other times. However, there are differences with regards to where we wear the gartel. Many – or most – chassidim have the custom to wear their gartel very low (fitting with the description in Chazal of its purpose להפסיק בין לבו וכו '). But the Lubavitch custom is to wear it significantly higher, at the level of the elbows. (I distinctly remember, on numerous occasions, standing behind the Rebbe during davening upstairs in 770. The Rebbe would, from time to time, reach back and pull out the buttons on the back of his kapota, so that the gartel was just above those buttons).
As a young bochur, I remember, this would bother me. People would use this as more ammunition to poke fun at Lubavitch, with various “lines”. Why indeed, I wondered, don’t we wear them like everybody else, which seems to make more sense?
Until, after a number of years, I was listening to a recording of the Rebbe farbrenging, and the Rebbe was speaking about the gartel. The Rebbe described the gartel as separating between the spiritual part of the person, the אברים הרוחניים such as the אברי הנשימה, and the physical part of the person, the אברים הגשמיים such as the כלי העיכול.
Suddenly, everything made perfect sense! Amongst our internal organs, there are those which are primarily focussed on nurturing our neshomo, our life force, such as the lungs giving us breath, and the heart pumping blood (and governing our feelings). And then there are those organs which are primarily dealing with our bodily growth, and satisfying our physical senses, such as the digestive tract.
And that is exactly where we place our gartel! And this gives a beautiful appreciation for the goal and objective of the gartel in our avodas Hashem. While there are both parts of our life, there has to be a clear separation between our physical activities and our spiritual pursuits, and the manner in which we’re involved in each of them.
And that – apparently – is missing by me. My disease originated in the lower part of my body, part of the digestive system. Yet, somehow, it managed to bridge the gap and spread to the lungs, to the spiritual organs. The separation between these two distinct functions was – apparently – not pronounced or defined enough, - it was breached.
So, I guess, I need to start paying more attention to the gartel. Both in a literal sense, to be meticulous about wearing a gartel when it’s called for, or may be called for (I was once saying brochos in the morning, and, as always, was reciting them with a gartel, and reading from a siddur. A yungerman approached me, actually a very chassidisher yungerman, complaining: Did I not know that in reshimos is written that the Rebbe Rashab recited brochos without a gartel, looking out the window?! But, I think I will let this be one of the things I have to do teshuva for....).
And, most importantly, in avodas Hashem. I need to place more effort in ensuring that the separation exists in my life. There needs to be an unmistakable line between eating and drinking and sleeping and bodily needs and pursuing the matters of the neshomo.
Back to my scans, which I haven’t finished with yet. My doctors still had yet another piece of good news for me: In the MRI scan, they discovered a small lesion in my head (hey, guess what, I seem to have something in my head after all!). So, the disease, stubbornly, spread to my head as well.
It’s a tiny lesion, about a half a centimetre. But it’s still the region of the brain, and, I’ll admit, when I heard about it, I found it frightening and unnerving (especially after, perhaps foolishly, I read up on what Dr. google has to say about it). The truth is that my doctors didn’t not seem overly concerned about. They explained that it is very small, and can be effectively dealt with by radiation, and though I would require subsequent monitoring, they are quite optimistic (maybe, in all this time, my doctors became bigger believers, and I became a bigger heretic...).
So, I’d like to offer some perspective here, both for the frightened and unnerved voice within me, and to any others who are entertaining similar voices:
Imagine I discover a wart on my little toe (or, on my big toe). It may be unpleasant, and may even need to be dealt with. But, it surely wouldn’t be frightening or unnerving.
So, why is the wart, or the lesion, in the head any different?! Of course, in the medical books, the disease that spreads to the head can be a serious issue and dangerous and threatening. But, since when is my healing coming from the medical books? If I believed until now (and I hope that we all did and do) that my cure is coming from the Healer of all flesh, the רופא כל בשר ומפליא לעשות, then it follows – and these are not just nice words but a fact and absolute certainty – that nothing changed AT ALL!!!
Because for my Doctor there is absolutely no difference between a wart on the toe and a lesion in the head, and there is absolutely no doubt about this at all by any of us.
Yes, there is a little apikores within us, that says: ‘Of course, the Eibishter is a כל יכול, and He can do anything He chooses with no limitations at all. היפלא מה דבר! But, if I can manage with “nature”, why do I need to have to resort to the high level Emunah in the omnipotence of Hashem? Maybe I shouldn’t be bothering Him or taking up His time unless I really need Him?
Well, I for one want no part with those who want to go with nature, or who don’t always “need” Him (ch”v). And, if I have the understanding that the Eibishter was my one and only Doctor and that He was always my Doctor to begin with, then it clearly makes no difference what medical situation He is dealing with, because for Him, obviously, nothing is more challenging or less challenging or more difficult or less difficult, and, regardless of the condition, at the exact moment that He chooses He will cure it all.
Let me put it this way: We all know and repeat enthusiastically the words of the Rebbe Maharash; - “The world says if you can’t go under, then you go over, but I say Lechatchila Ariber!” There is an approach of starting off “arunter”, of using nature as long as it works. And, if ch”v things don’t look good with nature, then we remind ourselves of our unwavering faith in Hashem who is not bound by nature. But if we are following the directive of “lechatchila ariber”, then we didn’t base ourselves on nature to begin with, and the better or worse matters appear according to nature makes no difference at all!
One more thought:
There was a chosid of the Rebbe Maharash, who was in business, and was facing a very serious court case. The chosid went to the Rebbe Maharash, and during yechidus he explained his concern. For most questions that he might be asked, he told the Rebe, he has an adequate answer. And he listed all of the possible questions that he could foresee, along with how he would respond to them.
However, there was one last question that he felt he didn’t have a good response to, and that was what was worrying him.
The Rebbe brushed off his concern: “they don’t have such good heads as you, because they don’t learn gemoro, so they won’t think about all of the question that you thought about”!
Indeed, during the court case, he was asked all of the questions for which he had an answer prepared, but not the last one for which he had no response!
According to another version of the story (or, perhaps, it’s a different story), I heard that the Rebbe Maharash told him: “They don’t stand such a long shmoneh esreh as you (so they don’t spend as much time thinking through all of the possibilities)”!
My doctors, presumably, don’t stand shmoneh esreh as long as me, so they’re not accustomed to the many machshovos zoros that this is a breeding ground for. So, when the scan showed a big glob of machshovos zoros, they were naturally alarmed and didn’t know how to diagnose them. I guess if I work on minimizing my machshovos zoros, I can perhaps anticipate better scan results!
All in all, I’ve been having a bit of a rough time lately, and I can’t say that my confidence in some of my doctors is at its highest level. But my confident in my main Doctor is still absolute, and He is the only one that matters, and He has the best cures (and the most painless and the cheapest). We only need to ask Him. So let us turn to Him together, especially by the brocho of רפאינו, and ask Him to sent the best cure to every single Yid that needs one, speedily and painlessly, as He is the רופא חולי עמו ישראל!
L’chaim! May we always hear and share besuros tovos umesamchos betov hanireh vehanigleh and yeihopchu yomim eilu lesosoin ulesimcha ulemoadim tovim with the immediate hisgalus of Melech haMoshiach TUMYM!!!
Rabbi Akiva Wagner
!ג"הנרוהנ בטוב ס"וכט הנכונה בריאות מתוך ט"לאויוש ,'שי מרים בן ב"שד לזכות
