Question: Each year my husband buys matza with a certain heksher which is extremely expensive. In addition, we have a large family and guests so we need to buy a lot. It is a huge expense, which doesn’t leave much extra money. For him the matzah is the most important thing in the world. But what about the mitzva to make your wife happy on the festivals by buying her jewelry or clothes, things that make a woman happy. To fulfill his obligation, to be “yotzi”, he buys me some cheap necklace or something. I work so hard cleaning the house for Pesach and go into the seder exhausted. He says how much he appreciates what I do, but words are not enough. I want him to show his appreciation with actions. I want to come before his matza!
Answer: You have a valid point and your frustration is totally understandable. You work hard, not only on Pesach but the whole year, and you deserve to have your needs and desires catered to in a respectful manner.
At the same time, situations such as the one you describe are delicate and can easily ignite into a stormy conflict. As the conflict grows both sides feel increasingly justified, only digging deeper into their positions. Ultimately, hurtful words and accusations begin to fly. What could have been husband and wife working together to get ready for a beautiful Pesach, is now each side sulking in their own thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps you are correct. However, if the focus is on who is right, the unpleasant scenario described above is likely to erupt. When we step back and think, “what is best for the marriage”, it is amazing the solutions and options that surface.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I am so angry I can’t think clearly.” It is not just a nice saying, but it expresses a truth. When we are angry, sad, anxious or another strong emotion, we are likely imbalanced and irrational. Our thoughts and words are filled with extreme language, generalizations, negativity, blame, labels, etc., etc. Removing the focus from me and my wants, enables us to think clearly. We are more logical; less emotional.
Each of us have mitzvot for which we feel a special connection. Your husband feels strongly about matzah. Thus, expecting him to easily forgo his desire for this specific matzah three weeks before Pesach may not lead to the desired results. Perhaps he could buy you something special before Shavuot. Perhaps some money could be borrowed and paid back over the coming months. There are a variety of solutions. However, the key is to step back and put the marriage first. From this perspective, the solutions will follow.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
