The momentous occasion of the inauguration of the Mishkan was marred by the tragic deaths of Aharon’s two oldest sons, Nodav and Avihu. A number of opinions are given by Chazal as to the nature of the sin for which they were killed. One explanation given by the Gemara (Eruvin 63a), which is quoted by Rashi, is that Nodav and Avihu were punished for issuing a legal ruling in front of Moshe, who was their teacher. Another explanation cited by Rashi, is that they entered the Mishkan whilst drunk.
At the beginning of Parshas Achrei Mos, the Da’as Z’keinim offers an explanation, which is one that seems particularly relevant in our generation. The Da’as Z’keinim writes that the sin for which Nodov and Avihu were killed was their refusal to get married. Although numerous eligible maidens waited patiently for the opportunity to marry them, Nodov and Avihu maintained that none of them were worthy of being their wives due to their illustrious lineage, as their paternal uncle (Moshe) was the king, their father (Aharon) was the Kohen Gadol, their maternal uncle (Nachshon) was the leader of his tribe, and they were assistants to the Kohen Gadol. Because they felt that no woman was good enough for them, they refused to get married.
The Da’as Z’keinim adds that this explains the apparent redundancy in the pasuk (16:1) that says that “Hashem spoke to Moshe after the death of Aharon’s two sons, when they approached before Hashem, and they died.” Why does the Torah mention their death twice? The Da’as Z’keinim explains that the first expression refers to their own deaths, while the second phrase connotes that they had no children to carry on their names and legacies.
When discussing Nodov and Avihu and the nature of their sin, it is essential to remain cognizant of their spiritual greatness and to understand that faults on their lofty levels are not comparable to our petty foibles and mistakes. Rashi writes (10:3) that Moshe told Aharon that he had known that the Mishkan would be sanctified through the death of somebody close to Hashem, but he had assumed that it would be either himself or Aharon, yet he now recognized that Nodov and Avihu were even greater than them. At the same time, everything that is recorded in the Torah is intended to be relevant to every Jew, and the Da’as Z’keinim maintains that Nodov and Avihu were killed for rejecting countless potential wives as unsuitable and not good enough for them.
One of the greatest crises in our generation is that there are many wonderful young men and women who are yearning to get married, but struggling to find a spouse. Although this phenomenon is complex and has many levels to it, it is clear that one component of the problem is that many singles are seeking perfection. Young men are looking for a wife who is beautiful, wealthy, from a renowned family, with a good job and exceptional middos, while young women desire a husband who is a serious talmid chochom from a respected family, with sterling character traits, good looks, and a realistic plan to support the family in comfort, and the list goes on. If a prospective match fails to meet even one point on the multi-faceted checklist, he or she is rejected immediately.
Insights Into Halachah
Rav Yissocher Frand suggests that part of the problem is that we live in a pampered society that encourages us to seek perfection in every other area in life, which leads us to believe that perfection should also be attainable in such an important decision as the selection of a lifelong marriage partner. Just as we can custom order a car by designing every detail and option to our exact specifications, and just as we can now order what used to be a simple cup of coffee in every possible flavor and variety, so too it is only natural to expect to “design” our future spouses to meet our precise requirements.
However, a marriage partner is not a car or a cup of coffee, and people are by Hashem’s design imperfect, which means that a lifelong pursuit of the perfect spouse is guaranteed to be an exercise in futility and frustration. Instead, the list of desired qualities in a spouse should be narrowed down to a few essential – and realistic – points, as we learn from Nodov and Avihu that while we will never find a spouse who is perfect, we can indeed find one who is perfect for us.
The issue of shidduchim and being picky is not only related to this week’s parsha. It’s a timely issue as well. We are nearly at the end of a long, long six-month winter zeman and many bochurim and sem girls will be busy with shidduchim. Hopefully, after shteiging for sixth months, both bochurim and sem girls will have a better idea about what they want from life, and will be changed people and more ready to get married. Consequently, this week I would like to talk about the topic of shidduchim. Primarily, I would to focus on what one needs to look into when choosing a shidduch.
We will also discuss if it is possible to ensure children’s spiritual future? Of what importance are the brothers of a proposed match? Do the halachos mentioned in the Shulchan Aruch apply today? What should one prefer – a nice family, or a girl with good middos [character traits]? What do you choose when getting both is not an option? Which match is preferable – the daughter of a family with an impressive ancestry, or the daughter of a talmid chocham of simpler origin? Who is considered a talmid chocham today? Which girls can make a potentially good match despite being born to unlearned fathers? Why do mothers influence their children more than their fathers? And more.
Sources
In Parshas Vo’eira we have the pasuk:ויקח אהרן את אלישבע בת עמינדב אחות נחשון לו לאשה ותלד לו את נדב ואת אביהו את אלעזר ואת איתמר - “Aharon took to himself for a wife, Elisheva, the daughter of Aminadav, the sister of Nachshon, and she bore him Nadav and Avihu, Elazar and Isamar” (Shemos 6:23). The Gemara in Bava Basra (110a) points out that the words “the sister of Nachshon” seem superfluous – why do we need to know who her brother is? The Gemara answers that who her brother is, is an essential factor in choosing a wife because most children turn out like their mother’s brothers.
The Gemara in Bava Basra cites a chilling anecdote that clearly illustrates this point: Moshe Rabbeinu’s wife, Tzippora was a righteous convert whose father had originally been a priest for avodah zorah. Despite her piety and her father’s subsequent conversion, his grandson Yehonoson became a priest for avodah zorah just like his great-grandfather. Aharon, though, who married Elisheva, Nachshon’s sister, merited all his descendants were priests in the Mishkan and Mikdosh. The Gemara concludes: “Rabbi Elazar says: A person should always cleave to good people [i.e. marry a woman from a good family] as this is beneficial for the offspring of that marriage. As in the case of Moshe, who married a daughter of Yisro, who was a priest for avodah zorah, Yehonoson, who was also a priest for avodah zorah, descended from him. However, Aharon, who married the daughter of Aminadav, who was of distinguished lineage in the tribe of Yehudah, merited having Pinchas descend from him” (Bava Basra 109b).
What characteristics should one look for in choosing a marriage partner? What family is considered of good lineage? And how does this apply nowadays?
Brothers Bestow
The Sheiltos (Sheilta 41) explains that one should look specifically to marry a woman with righteous brothers because the merits of both father and mother are necessary to ensure their children turn out good.
The Meiri (Bava Basra 109b) explains that every action one does should be dedicated l’shem Shomayim [for the sake of G-d] — not because it is the normal thing to do, or to satisfy a need or desire. When marrying, while it is essential to ensure the relationship is viable, one should also think about the future generations – intend to establish a Torah-true home which will create a kiddush Hashem in the world. This we learn from the way Aharon chose his marriage partner. Since he based his choice, not only, but also on her brothers and their spiritual stature, he merited that none of his descendants are mentioned in the Tanach as leaving the fold or serving avodah zorah.
The Maharal (Gur Aryeh, Shemos 6:23) explains why children tend to turn out like their mother’s brothers: Children generally inherit their mother’s emotional and spiritual makeup. Another reason for looking at the brothers, is that it is impossible to assess a woman’s spirituality. Since the only way to gain insight is through a male, the closest male relatives are her brothers, and they should be examined.
What does the Maharal mean? Can’t anyone assess another person’s spiritual strivings?
The Maharal (Nesivos Olam, Netziv HaBitachon, chapter 1) explains that the male force is the tzura – the concept or form of everything in the world; the female force is the chomer – the physical matter that gives a concept substance and allows it to descend into the physical world. While a man gives his home its general direction and spiritual aims, the wife makes them reality and expresses these concepts physically.
The Gemara in Avodah Zorah (39a) illustrates this point with a story: “There was a woman who married a talmid chocham and would tie tefillin on his hand. Later she married a tax collector and would tie tax-seals on his hand (tax collectors were considered thieves because they were unfair). Here we learn of the influence a husband has on his wife’s piety.” The wife in this story did her job faithfully – she turned her husband’s vision into reality. But the vision must come from the male. If his vision is pious – her deeds will reflect that piety. And if his vision is wicked – her actions will be wicked.
This is why defining a female’s spirituality is tricky – because she is reflective, she can easily change herself to accommodate any lifestyle. Her children, though, will inherit her basic personality. Her brothers, as her closest male relatives, are the best indicator of their sister’s personality.
The Ma’avar Yabok (41, chapter 15) writes that a mother is the strongest influence on her children’s future so marrying a good wife is of utmost importance. He adds that the main reason for children’s spiritual failing is because of their mother’s lack of modesty.
While these sources attribute children’s spiritual development completely to their mother, the Pri Megodim (Eishel Avraham, Orach Chaim 128:62) differentiates between boys and girls: while boys tend to be influenced by their mother’s personality, girls tend to follow their father’s character traits. This is based on the Gemara (Niddah 31a). Therefore, in order for the girls to turn out alright one must ensure that the females in the boy’s family are virtuous.
Moshe and Tzippora
While the aforementioned Gemara seems to criticize Moshe for marrying Tzippora and praise Aharon for his marriage to Elisheva, it is important to put this criticism in context:
While Yehonoson, Moshe’s grandchild, was certainly mistaken, Moshe Rabbeinu clearly influenced him and his life. Moshe Rabbeinu’s other descendants were also prominent people as the pasuk in Divrei HaYomim (I 23:17) reads: “And the sons of Eliezer were; Rechavia the chief, and Eliezer had no other sons, but the sons of Rechavia multiplied greatly”, which Chazal understand as indicative of their prominence.
An additional hint to Moshe Rabbeinu’s progeny’s stature is related to Gershom, his son, whom Moshe saw worthy of filling his shoes (Rashi, Bamidbar 27:15). Despite his greatness, Hashem demanded that Yehoshua be appointed in his place, to which Moshe acquiesced.
Moshe and Tzippora established a wonderful, excellent family, but Aharon saw exceptional success with his children because he made the extra effort to look into his future wife’s brothers — unlike Moshe, who understandably could not do so since he married during his flight from Pharaoh’s wrath and lived as a guest in Midian. While marrying into a prominent family is important, the first and foremost concern must be to marry a virtuous woman. The Gemara teaches that only where choosing between options is possible should one prefer a righteous family over one less so.
The Meiri expresses this point clearly (Shabbos 11a): While one must investigate the family of a proposed match, her own characteristics come before that. A woman with bad character traits is the worst thing in the world.
Practical Application
The Rambam (Hilchos Issurei Biah 21:32) and Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 2:6) don’t mention these points in their list of characteristics to look out for in a potential wife. The Shlah (Vo’eira, Derech Chaim Tochachas Mussar 20) though, adds these points: “And anyone who disregards Chazal’s words is detaching himself from life.”
Apparently, a woman’s brothers are important, but only if everything else is in place. If one will be forced to forgo other important features, he must carefully weigh what’s more important. This explains why the Rambam and Shulchan Aruch mention the more significant details first, and only when left with a choice, like Aharon HaKohen, should one regard those of lesser importance.
The Sefer Chassidim (chapter 378) writes that Hashem will hold it against anyone who bears wicked children if he could have married a woman with righteous brothers and chose one with evil brothers.
Characteristics of a Good Wife
The Shulchan Aruch (Even HaEzer 2:6) lists the characteristics a prospective wife should have:
- The most important is for her father to be a talmid chocham. Likewise, a father must do everything he can to marry his daughters to talmiday chochamim.
- If a talmid chocham’s daughter is not available one should focus on searching for a daughter of great people – virtuous people who keep the mitzvos, even if unlearned themselves (Pesochim 49b, Rashi).
- The next level is the daughter of a public figure – people who do things for the Jewish People.
- If even this kind of match is not available one should search for the daughter of someone involved in a tzedokah collection, because people involved in tzedokah collections are usually only appointed if they have good middos.
- The daughter of a rebbe who teaches small children comes in next.
It is forbidden to marry a daughter of one who is unscrupulous in his mitzvah performance.
Prominent Family
Various sources point out the importance of ensuring the family one marries into is a prominent one. The Chayei Adam (in his introduction) explains that the virtue of a prominent family is only meant to exclude any concern of mamzerus. If this is not a concern, any Jewish family can be considered prominent. The only greater virtue in a family is if the prospective bride’s father is a talmid chocham, and even more so – if he writes chiddushim.
Some people have detailed family trees linking them to famous Torah personalities. Preferring these families over others is senseless, writes the Chayei Adam, as ever since the serpent engaged with Chava in Gan Eden, no family is all good or all bad. Good and bad are always mixed together. Even the best families have members who didn’t turn out well, and even the worst families can have wonderful people. Nevertheless, a talmid chocham’s daughter from a simple family is a better match than one from a family related to all the Jewish leaders past and present whose father is unlearned.
Descendants of pious people enjoy the protection of their forefather’s merits. Therefore, this may be a consideration in making a match with them.
Daughter of an Ignorant Father
The Taz (Even HaEzer 2:3) explains that the reason one must refrain from marrying the daughter of an ignorant man is because she is raised thinking that talmiday chochamim only enjoy the Next World and its reward, while she wants to enjoy this World’s pleasures. In contrast, a talmid chocham’s daughter is well aware of the talmid chocham’s pleasures in This World and is accustomed to them, besides for the pleasures and rewards of the Next World. This prospective wife will encourage her husband to save on expenses and invest in Torah study instead of amassing wealth, ensuring they both enjoy the true pleasures of this World and The Next.
Therefore, explains the Taz, if the ignorant man’s daughter is wise, one can certainly agree to the shidduch. Contemporary poskim have ruled (Kehillos Ya’akov, Yevamos siman 49, and others) that any girl who received a Beis Ya’akov education, even if her father is unlearned, can be considered the daughter of a talmid chocham since she understands the value and pleasures of spiritual endeavors and wishes to establish a Torah-true home.
The Taz explains why Chazal forbade a father from allowing his daughter to marry an ignorant person along the same lines: since he is unlearned, he cannot teach his wife halachos, and even when he hears a halachah from a talmid chocham he disregards it. Therefore, the daughter of an unlearned person who is careful with halachos and respects talmiday chochomim and follows them, does not meet the above criteria and is not included in the prohibition.
Defining Talmid Chocham
Who is the talmid chocham whose daughter one is advised to marry? The Taz, as explained above, maintains it is a woman who understands the value of spiritual endeavors and appreciates them. The Rambam (Hilchos Isurei Biah 21:32) and Levush (Even HaEzer 2:6) explain that the purpose is to ensure one’s children’s spiritual future should their father pass away.
The Chida writes (Birkay Yosef, Even HaEzer 2:2) that although today nobody meets the requirements defining them as a halachic talmid chocham, this halachah remains in place, and one must do everything to marry the daughter of one considered a talmid chocham. The most defining feature of a talmid chocham is his yiras Shomayim [Fear of Heaven].
Weighing the Pros and Cons
The Chida (Birkay Yosef, Even HaEzer 2:3) encourages one who feels his spirituality will suffer if he follows the Shulchan Aruch’s rules to choose a partner who matches his personality and helps him flourish instead of following the Shulchan Aruch’s list.
One of the leaders of our generation was a young man in the Ponevezh Yeshiva. He was offered a match with the daughter of one of the generation’s Torah leaders, but the mashgiach, Rabbi Yechezkel Levenstein advised him to turn down the offer and instead, marry the daughter of a simple family whose parents loved Torah. “The prominent father,” explained Rabbi Levenstein, “has an exceptional approach to avodas Hashem. If you marry his daughter, she will have a hard time accepting and appreciating your ways. But the simple man’s daughter will appreciate whatever you do, and encourage you.” The young man followed his mashgiach’s advice and married a girl from a simple family. His growth in Torah is a gift to our generation.
Marrying Money
The Sefer Chassidim (Chapter 381) discusses the case of a man who came to a talmid chocham and told him he had nothing with which to make a living. He was offered two matches: one with the daughter of a poor talmid chocham, and another – with wealthy people offering a large dowry with which he could live comfortably. He asked, “Which match should he choose?” The talmid chocham said that in this case, marrying into money is preferable, since the test of poverty may cause him to steal.
The Chida (Birkay Yosef, Even HaEzer 2:4) notes this ruling l’halachah, adding (footnote 6), that if the unlearned wealthy father promises to foot all the bills, marrying his daughter is permitted. The reason for the prohibition to marry the daughter of an unlearned father is because she’ll demand her husband make a living instead of learning Torah. Therefore, if her father is wealthy and promises to provide the couple with all their needs, marrying her is permitted and there is no room for concern he may lose his money.
Rabbi Yehonoson Abelman (Zichron Yehonoson, introduction) maintains that marrying the pampered daughter of a wealthy family requires careful consideration. Living up to her expectations may become a burden which could eventually pull one away from learning Torah. The Steipler would often refer people to this passage when presented with questions of this nature.
When he was a young boy, Rabbi Yehonoson came to Vilna, and a match with Rabbi Yisroel Salanter’s granddaughter was suggested to him. The young Yehonoson was afraid to agree to the match because there were wealthy people who promised him large dowries, and Rabbi Yisroel’s son in law, while a great talmid chocham, was unable to match their financial offers. Rabbi Yehonoson was afraid he wouldn’t be able to learn Torah without the added financial support. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter’s daughter, the girl’s mother told him: “Look, if you marry one of the wealthy girls, you will, indeed receive a large dowry, but you will be forced to live on a high standard, and the money will disappear faster. Then, you’ll be forced to go out and work to meet the needs of your papered wife. Our daughter, on the other hand, wants you to sit and learn Torah for the rest of your life. She makes do with little and will allow you to grow into a talmid chocham.”
Rabbi Yehonoson accepted her advice and married her daughter. And indeed, he grew and blossomed into a great talmid chocham.
An Observation of the Noda B’Yehudah
In regards to the priorities people use for checking out shidduchim the Noda B’Yehudah (Even HaEzer 2:79) writes: “I am astonished that most people have no concern about marrying their daughter to a halachic ignoramus, notwithstanding the words of Chazal about the importance of marrying her to a talmid chocham
