The Funny Parsha Questions for Parshas Shoftim

1. Why can’t a judge take a bribe?

• a. It blinds his eyes
• b. He will rule in favor of the one who gave it to him
• c. because Hashem said no.
• d. All of the above

2. What must a jewish king have?

• a. A stretch limousine
• b. A second sefer torah that he always keeps with him
• c. A massive golden scepter that doubles as a concealed water gun
• d. Too many horses

3. What is a Jewish king not allowed to have?

• a. He can’t bring any money to the Grand Trip, even if he leaves it with his counselors.
• b. More than one wife
• c. Too much money, too many wives or too many horses
• d. A good night’s rest

4. If someone accidentally killed someone where does he run?

• a. To an Ir Miklat (city of refuge)
• b. To an Ear Zevel (city of refuse)
• c. He runs for public office
• d. He runs in a marathon

5. How long must he stay there?

• a. Till the chickens come home to roost
• b. He stays there till the cows come home
• c. Till he has outlived his welcome
• d. He must stay until the Kohen Gadol passes away.

6. Before a Jewish army goes to war, who do they listen to?

• a. Miami Boys Chior
• b. A Kohen
• c. Tony Robbins, the famous motivational speaker
• d. Their General gives them a motivational speech about having courage in battle

7. What does the Kohen tell them?

• a. Anyone who is scared because of his averos (sins) or who recently got married, built a new house or planted a new vineyard should turn back now
• b. When we conquer that town, feel free to loot and plunder indiscriminately
• c. Before we start marching check to make sure your shoelaces are tied
• d. Remember to hold your sword by the handle and not by the pointy end

8. What Mitzva are we told about fruit trees?

• a. Make sure to say a brocha if you eat a tree
• b. Don’t eat trees
• c. Don’t chop down fruit trees
• d. Trees are not people

9. What’s “Egla Aroofa”?

• a. It’s what Humpty Dumpty’s brother was before he fell off the roof
• b. It’s the secret password to the staff computer
• c. It’s when the elders of a city do a ceremony with a calf in a dry riverbed to show remorse that someone was killed near their city
• d. The king of Moav