The Mystery of Marriage
When Opposition is Positive
This article is part of a series of rewrites of HaRav Ginsburgh’s bestselling book, The Mystery of Marriage, intended for a universal audience. Written by Mrs. Sara Esther Crispe who lectures widely and coaches singles and couples based on HaRav Ginsburgh’s teachings.
As easy as it may superficially seem to be in a relationship where we are always right, it would get boring really fast. It is incredibly healthy to be challenged to push ourselves, to think in more creative ways, to work harder, and to expand ourselves. This can only happen when the one we love sometimes opposes us.
Being able to disagree, to say ‘no’, to have another opinion, is what brings out the depth in the relationship and takes it to new levels. When we can appreciate the issues that surface, then we can learn to connect and communicate in a much more intense way as opposed to passively going along with everything the other says.
So too, this allows for each partner to remain an individual with his or her own thoughts, opinions, and approaches to situations. One of the signs of an abusive and unhealthy relationship is when one of the partners loses his or her own voice. Out of fear they agree with the other, and aim only to please, because that person becomes scared to have a different opinion or anything that could be perceived as contradictory.
Yet, when things are balanced and healthy, being able to show your partner a different viewpoint should not be threatening but rather as expansive and enlightening, even if it requires some shifts and changes outside of your comfort zone.
The most important trait needed in order to transform differences into opportunities form learning and growth is humility. Humility is often misunderstood. People usually associate humility with an unwillingness or inability to acknowledge one’s virtues. But in truth, humility it is not about thinking less of oneself, but rather about thinking of oneself less.
Just like the need to focus on the other in giving, when the focus is on the other in terms of truly attentiveness and assigning value to the other’s opinion and understanding, then the giving to that perspective becomes a true ability to receive as well.
We often hear terms of endearment such as “he brings out the best in me” or “she makes me a better man.” This does not come from staying the same or from agreement. This specifically comes from when one’s husband or wife thinks, speaks, and acts differently and tries to show his or her partner a new way of understanding or viewing something.
It is amazing what happens when we think less about ourselves, open our minds and hearts to others, and notice what is happening around us. And this is not just a lesson for healthy relationships, but a lesson for life and for all personal interactions.
Not long ago I went out to dinner with a close friend of mine. We had not seen each other in some time and we had many things of a highly personal nature to discuss. We therefore picked a restaurant that we knew would be empty as it was before the dinner rush and we found a table in the corner for the utmost of privacy.
About ten minutes after we arrived, a man showed up and sat down right next to me, so close he was practically at our table. Every single other table in the whole place was available, but he decided to sit next to us.
I spent the majority of our meal feeling annoyed. I had wished I had said something when he first sat down when it was still possible for him to move. But he had already ordered and it was clear that he was not going anywhere.
Because of his proximity there was no way I was going to be able to speak to my friend and I was feeling annoyed and sorry for myself that we were being robbed of this precious opportunity.
And then I heard my friend say, “Hey, are you OK? You look like you are having a really tough day....” I was so preoccupied that I hadn’t even bothered to actually look at this man. When I did, I noticed that he was sitting with his head in his hands, he appeared very distressed and clearly upset. He looked up, gave her a weary smile, and simply said, “Yeah, it’s been a really tough day.”
It then dawned on me that while I had assumed that his sole purpose in sitting near us was to ruin our dinner, he was so overwhelmed with whatever he was going through that he hadn’t even been aware or noticed that we were there or that he was being inconsiderate. Furthermore, he so clearly appreciated her kind words and her awareness and empathy to his situation, whereas, had I said something—asking him to move—it could have been the last straw for someone already feeling beaten down by life itself.
My friend taught me an invaluable lesson that day. When we take the time to think about others and not just ourselves, we see and learn things that we never would have discovered if we didn’t have someone else give us a different lens to look through. When I saw this man through her eyes, and not mine, I saw a completely different situation and all of my resentment immediately disappeared.
It teaches in the Ethics of the Fathers, “Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place.” Chassidic philosophy explains that since we can never really reach another’s place, we can never really judge another person. It is simply impossible for us, as much as we can try to empathize or relate, to know completely on a conscious and subconscious level what someone else is going through. Therefore, if we can never really know another person on that level, we must never jump to conclusions or be absolutely certain that we understand why a person thought, said, or did something we disagree with.
And yet, because the statement says “until you have reached his place” implies that while we may never fully know the other, we are still required to try to understand that person and try to feel how he or she does. While one never reaches the other’s place per se, we can still make room to include others in our space. When one comes closer to the other, one’s perspective automatically changes. One begins to see others more appreciatively and is then able to fulfill the directive, “Judge all people favorably.”
1. Avot 2:4.
2. Ibid. 1:6.
Gematria Shorts
Two of the main topics in parashat Shoftim are the appointment of judges and of a king. Shoftim is the 48th parashah of the Torah. 48 is the value of “mind.” One of the most foundational statements in the Tanya is that we should implement the Zohar’s statement that, “the mind rules over the heart.” Who then is the “mind” in the “mind”—the 48th—parashah? That is the judge who judges in accordance with Torah—God’s mind, as it were. The heart is the king, who Maimondies describes as, “the heart of all of Israel.” The Torah’s mind keeps the king’s heart in check, as our parashah states about the king, “thus his heart will not rise haughtily towards his fellows, or deviate from the commandments right or left” (Deuteronomy 17:20).
- Following the logic that the “mind” is parashat Shoftim—referring to judges, what is the “heart” that it needs to rule over? The “heart” (32), or 32nd parashah of the Torah is parashat Behar, which begins with the commandments required so that we may keep our hold over the Land of Israel, the Sabbatical and Jubilee years, which are intrinsically tied to Torah economics. The gematria of “Land of Israel” (832) is the product of 32 and 26, implying that the Land of Israel is the “heart” (32) of “God” (26). Thus, the rectification of the entire Land of Israel depends on the installation of a justice system that follows the Torah.
