Question: Sukkot is coming and I can already feel my anxiety building. I get things done well ahead of time which helps me stay calm. My husband is the opposite - he does not have an organized plan but just gets things done at the last minute, when it absolutely has to get done. If it doesn’t affect me, fine, I don’t have to think about it. But building the sukkah affects the whole family. Days go by, our back yard sits empty and I get more and more nervous. Each year, erev Sukkot, he runs out to the yard with all his equipment and finishes the Sukkah about two hours before sunset. Do I need to accept this year after year; it’s not good for my health.
Answer: You letter appears to present two alternatives: 1. He will keep building the sukkah at the last moment and your health will decline. 2. He will build the sukkah earlier and your well-being will improve. Could there be a third option?
Anxiety is often connected to a lack of control. A person that needs to be in control feels anxious when the control is not in their hands. You have learned to control situations, thus curbing your anxiety. As you write, “I get things done well ahead of time which helps me stay calm.” However, your husband’s approach threatens your stability and calm. Each glance into the empty yard raises your anxiety another notch.
However, situations do not make us anxious; we make ourselves anxious. Anxiety, anger, sadness, or other feelings are in large part a direct result of how we choose to react to a situation.
Although you might prefer your husband would complete the sukkah earlier, your husband does finish it each year before Sukkot. There is little evidence to assume he will not also do so this year. Therefore, allow yourself to let go of the fear, and believe in your husband. Not only will belief and trust in your husband lessen your anxiety; it will foster a closer and more harmonious marriage.
So too, a common cause of anxiety is the fear or assumption that things will turn out bad. Yet, when we examine the evidence, in most cases, we see that things do have a positive outcome. The more we trust in Hashem’s goodness and believe that things will be good, the calmer we will feel.
Rather than fear the onset of Sukkot, see this challenge as an opportunity to engage the situation with trust and positivity. Allow yourself to let go of the need for control, and trust that things will turn out good. Perhaps this “third option” could be the start of a new beginning.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
