Be – primarily – a spiritual joy, that is expressed in spiritual ways! Having fancier tablecloths, a better decorated hall or a waiter with a more handsome bowtie, doesn’t in any way increase the spiritual simcha. In fact, the opposite is true! The Rebbe often emphasized (including in a letter for the chasuna of my in laws) that the less extravagant the physical celebration is, the greater the spiritual joy can be!
And the problem is twofold. Firstly, most of the spending is (in my humble opinion) unnecessary and wasteful. Can the joy not be as great with a simpler meal? Does so much need to be spent on such needless props like flowers, that are just for the one evening? Is there really a need for hundreds of pictures?
[In fact, except for a few pictures of the family members (which are also way overdone), the rest of the pictures are generic, the dancing is basically the same by each chasuna, and there could be one set of dancing pictures that’s used for every chasuna album:
In Lubavitch, and especially amongst the students of Tomchei Tmimim, the poverty was very great. In those days it was very rare in general, and especially amongst those bochurim, to own a new suit. The seder was, that there was one good suit in Lubavitch, and whenever a bochur needed to go out, for a shidduch, he would borrow the suit.
Once, while a bochur was out on a date, a button fell off of the suit. The bochur didn’t notice anything, but the girl noticed, and, knowing the way things worked in Yeshiva, she picked up the button and held onto it. The next time she went out – with a different bochur – she used the opportunity to sew the button back onto the suit].
As you all know very well, there are countless examples of this. [You want to provide a meal? All and good, it is a seudas mitzvah. But is there really a need for so many waiters and caters?! For the children I can understand. But for everyone else? Aren’t they all mature adults, who are perfectly capable of getting their food on their own and serving themselves? Isn’t that what they do at home?]
And while this itself is troublesome, because there are so many (I would think) better ways to spend your money – you can give it to tzedaka, you can give it to the young couple for their expenses, you can give it to hachnosas kala to a family that is truly in need (and yes, of course, you can give it to me for Yeshiva!) – still, if at least people could afford it, it wouldn’t be half as bad.
But there are so many people that are going into debt, bringing upon themselves untold hardships. And for what? Why can’t you make a chasuna according to your means? Who do you have to show off to or compete with? If need be, get herring and kichels and honey cake, and some mashkeh and soda (as chasunas used to be). And let the young couple, and the family members and extended family and friends, dance and sing and farbreng through the night with true unbridled simcha, without having to worry about debts and bills for the foreseeable future!
I have many meshulachim who come to me (I’m not sure why they come, in some cases to share stories about the Rebbe, but in other cases I have no idea). In many of the cases, perhaps most, they will begin introducing their cause by informing me, in a mournful pitiful tone, “Ich hob shoin chasuna gemacht drei/fir/finif kinder” (I have already married off a number of children).
That is supposed to make them an object of pity! שומו שמים! There are people who, may Hashem help them, have difficulty finding a shidduch, finding their bashert. Others, even after managing to marry, are not, quickly, blessed with children (often they are in need of financial assistance for infertility treatment and the like). If someone is zoiche to have a child, there are so many instances when, unfortunately, the child has health problems (may Hashem send all Yidden a refuah shleima immediately!). And even if someone is zoicheh to have a healthy child, sometimes there are hardships in finding a shidduch for that child (may Hashem help everyone find their bashert swiftly and smoothly).
And, here, you have someone who BH was zoicheh, with Hashem’s help, to get married, who BH was zoiche to have children, who BH was blessed that his children are healthy, who BH was zoiche to find shidduchim for his children. And instead of being happy, being overjoyed about this, he sees this as a reason to be an object of pity! All this because of an inescapable need to make each simcha way beyond his means.
I don’t blame any of those individuals, they don’t feel able to deny their deserving children what everyone else seems to consider a necessity. But I blame the culture, this behavior of our society that creates and preserves this vicious cycle, this unyielding quicksand that is claiming more and more victims.
Isn’t time for us, as a group, as a community, to rethink our priorities, to reevaluate our principles?
This week, on Tuesday IYH, will be the yohrtzeit of my father, R’ Refoel Menachem Nochum ben R’ Yitzchok Eizik a”h. My father had strong principles, and when he saw something as important, he was not hesitant to act in a way that was non-conforming with everyone else.
The matter of spending and over-spending and ridiculous spending on simchos was something that he found very troubling, and that he spoke out against for years. He was very caring and went out of his way to help others in need, and he saw how this culture was bringing so many families into financial difficulties that were completely avoidable. He would use the opportunities of speeches to emphasize the need for a change. [I still remember, well, his speech by my bar mitzvah, which was the first bar mitzvah in the family. He spoke about this subject, and shared the following anecdote:
A particular family was making a bar mitzvah for their son. They agonized over what to do for the event. They couldn’t, G-d Forbid, make an ordinary simcha. They had to do something extraordinary, something that would, unquestionably, surpass and outdo any previous bar mitzvas.
Finally, they came up with a plan. They would rent out a space ship, and make a bar mitzvah in outer space. This would surely be the bar mitzvah of the century, and an unequalled and unmatched event!
They waited with excited anticipation, counting down the days, until, finally the big day arrived. The family and all of the invited guests all gathered in Kennedy Space Station, waiting for the moment of take-off. Finally, the moment arrived, and they all took their seats in the rocket ship, and fastened their seat belts. But then, at the last moment, the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker, saying, “We are sorry, but there will be a delay of a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience”
The announcement caused much concern and consternation, and the father ran to find out what the problem was. “It’s nothing”, he was reassured, “it’s just that we just learned that there is another bar mitzvah that is taking place in orbit now, and we have to wait until they are done”!]
He said that it’s crucial that this trend be reversed, for the sake of those people who are being harmed by it. He would say that he knows that people who are not wealthy can’t spend less than is the norm, because it would be embarrassing for them to be considered unable to afford a proper simcha. But for someone like him, who was relatively well to do, and everyone knew that he didn’t need to spend less in order to save the money, he felt he would be able to go against the trend to make a statement.
And, being first and foremost a person of action, he did just that! When he married off his first child, my older sister, he began a new style of chasuna (that was previously not done (or at least not common) in Toronto), by making a smaller meal, and a simchas chosson vekalla following. He did it not because he needed to, but because he saw the communal need.
My father a”h was not hesitant to spend money when he saw a purpose in it, and especially on his children. But his priorities were in order. When it came to tuition, he never haggled or argued but always paid the full amount that he was asked for without questions. He told me that there were years in which this was something that was very difficult for him, - he wasn’t always doing well financially, and the tuition was sometimes a large amount. But this was what was important to him, this came first, this was spending that was worthwhile and justified (he once told me that he felt that the reason why he had so much hatzlocho with his children (and he was obviously referring with that to the rest of my siblings who all turned out alright) was as a direct result of his always paying the full amount that he was asked for for tuition without question).
But to spend money on simchos with reckless abandon, which was wasteful itself and so harmful on a communal level, that was something that he couldn’t come to terms with!
What, then is the solution? The way I see it there are two possible solutions: Ideally, what should happen is what used to happen, in the past, in such situations. This problem is, apparently, not something new, historically, it was often a concern in our communities. And in the past Rabbonim would take a firm stand, making strict rules – and enforcing them – regarding how much may be spent on a chasuna/simcha, how many guests may be invited etc.
When Rabbonim showed true leadership, they recognized when this situation grew out of hand and into a threat to the community, and they addressed it accordingly, and made sure that people complied with their directives.
[The story is told that one of the Gerrer Rebbes made a rule strictly limiting the number of guests that may be invited to a chasuna. A certain chosid of his, who was very wealthy, approached the Gerrer Rebbe and demanded that he be made an exception. “Surely the Rebbe did not have me in mind with the new regulation”, he said, “the Rebbe knows, after all, that I am a very wealthy man, and it is inconceivable that I shouldn’t make a very large chasuna. Surely I am exempt from the new rule!”
The Gerrer Rebbe answered him briefly: “Host gelt? Koif zich a neier Rebbe!” (You have money? Then buy yourself a new Rebbe!).]
But, I must admit, I am not holding my breath to see such leadership from today’s Rabbonim (although I would be very pleasantly surprised were it to happen). Unfortunately, I’m afraid that most contemporary rabbonim would be quicker to enforce rules of siddur kiddushin, from which they make an income, than to address the above concerns.
The other possible solution is for the community to reverse the unhealthy trend. One person can’t do it. Five people can’t do it. But a large group, say 15-20 people, who are all making chasunas not too far off from each other, who would join together and agree to jointly introduce a new style of simcha, is something that, I believe, could have a big impact. I’ll admit, it may be a bit farfetched, but it’s not an impossibility, and - considering the importance of some change happening – I think is worth the effort.
Chazal say: האי עלמא כבי הילולא דמיא, - this world is like one big chasuna. And while here, too, the chasuna has to happen, and it’s got to be in the physical world, or else it’s no chasuna, still, here, too, we need to adjust our priorities.
It’s a chasuna, and, as mentioned above, the Rebbe taught us that the less we focus on the materialism, the greater the spiritual joy is. Of course, the chasuna has to take place in this physical realm and in a physical manner. But – vifil a shiur – how far can we go with the spending with reckless abandon, spending on things that are wasteful or that we can ill afford?!
We need to have a house and food, לחם לאכול ובגד ללבוש, and every Jew should have tremendous wealth. But we need to spend less on all of our nonsensical toys, our fancy phones and fancy cars and fancy gadgets and espresso makers etc., and focus more on the spiritual aspects of the chasuna (and spending more on our spiritual pursuits, on seforim, on hafotzas hamaayonos, on tzedokoh and so on). And, as the Rebbe said, this is sure to increase the spiritual joy of the chasuna, and to swiftly bring to the ultimate simcha of simchas olam al rosham!!
L’chaim! May we all focus more on the spiritual aspects of our chasuna, which will increase the spiritual simcha, and may the Eibishter very speedily bring about the ultimate chasuna between Him and us, למטה מעשרה טפחים, with the immediate revelation of Moshiach Tzidkeinu NOW!!!
Rabbi Akiva Wagner
!ג"הנרוהנ בטוב ס"וכט הנכונה בריאות מתוך ט"לאויוש ,'שי מרים בן ב"שד לזכות ט"ואויוש ק"לרפושו ,חנה בן אהרן ת"הרה לזכות
