The information must be objectively true, not a matter of taste or opinion.
You must have first-hand information, not hearsay.
You must first give the perpetrator a chance to respond to the allegations.
You can have no ulterior motive or personal gain from what you say.
You must avoid mentioning names whenever possible.
WHY DO PEOPLE GOSSIP?
What would motivate one person to speak badly about another?
Low self-esteem. When a person feels down about himself, there are two ways to feel better – either 1) make the effort to work and build oneself up (this is a lot of hard work!), or 2) put others down. The reasoning being, if I can lower others, then I don’t look so bad by comparison! But that’s the easy way, the "quick high." And is that the kind of person you want to be?
The media has built an empire around knocking down big targets ― like movie stars, politicians and business leaders. For the average person who may see himself languishing in mediocrity, it is a source of aggravation to see others’ success in life! So, knock them down ― and problem solved!
This may explain as well some basis for anti-Semitism. The nation that holds itself to a higher standard is a constant reminder of the human potential for sanctity and morality. Why is the world so eager to point out every misstep taken by Israel? Because by eliminating respect for that higher standard, the obligation to strive for that standard likewise falls away.
The first step in avoiding Loshon Hara is to recognize our own faults and commit to improving on them. When I accept that I alone am responsible for my inadequacies, then I will similarly be less critical and more tolerant of others.
If you find yourself getting "down" about yourself or others, try focusing away from the faults and instead on the virtues. It will lift you out of your negativity.
The Torah says: Feeling down? Don’t take the easy way out. Work hard and improve yourself.
JUDGE OTHERS FAVORABLY
So what happens if we inadvertently hear Loshon Hara? The Talmud says that we should not automatically accept it as being true. Rather, the rule is "innocent until proven guilty."
There is a famous story about the great Talmudic sage the Rashash (Rabbi Shmuel Shtrashun, 19th century Vilna) who had a fund to lend money to poor people. One day while the rabbi was studying Talmud, the local tailor came in to repay his loan of 10,000 rubles. The rabbi was so engrossed in his learning, that he stuck the money in the book and forgot about it.
A week later, the rabbi was reviewing his loan ledger and noticed that the 10,000 ruble loan was never paid. So he called the tailor and asked him to pay it. "But I paid you back last week," said the tailor. "Okay, then where’s your receipt?" said the rabbi, who truly had no recollection of being paid back. "You were studying and I didn’t want to disturb you," replied the tailor.
Soon enough word got out that the tailor and the rabbi were involved in a financial dispute. "The nerve of this man to pit his word against the rabbi!" they all said. The tailor’s reputation was ruined, and he was shunned by the community.
About a year later, the rabbi was reviewing a section of Talmud and came across an envelope containing 10,000 rubles. Then he realized what had happened! He immediately called the tailor and apologized. "But your apology doesn’t help me," he said sadly. "My reputation is ruined forever!"
"Don’t worry," said the rabbi. "I’ll make a public announcement in the synagogue, letting everyone know that it was I who had made the mistake."
"But that won’t help," said the tailor. "They’ll think you’re just saying it because you feel sorry for me."
The rabbi thought long and hard until he came up with a solution. "You have a daughter and I have a son," he said. "Let’s arrange for them to be married. In that way, everyone will be assured that you are fully trustworthy, for otherwise I would never agree to this match." And with that, the harm was repaired.
But it’s not always so easy...
SPEECH AND THE PROCESS OF REDEMPTION
The Talmud asks: Why was the Holy Temple destroyed? Because people spoke Loshon Hara about each other. Thus, says the Chafetz Chaim (the 20th century codifier of the laws of Loshon Hara), refraining from gossip is the single most effective way to reverse the damage and bring about the redemption!
There is no better time to undertake this challenge than today. We find ourselves in the season of redemption. Passover celebrates our emergence from slavery unto freedom. Also at this time we count the Omer, on the way toward receiving the Torah at Mount Sinai. Now is the time to break the dissention and divisiveness which plague our people.
Two rabbis in Jerusalem have written user-friendly guides outlining the parameters of Loshon Hara. They are both excellent sources for further study: "Guard Your Tongue" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, and "Chafetz Chaim ― A Lesson A Day" by Rabbi Yitzchak Berkowitz. In addition, many cities offer pre-recorded telephone classes dealing with Loshon Hara.
Imagine how the world would change ... if all humanity jumped on this bandwagon?!
