The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an ‘outstanding balance.’
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis…
Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
My doctor told me I’ve really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I ‘gained excess weight.’
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
I began to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen—I can feel it.
Hey Liba, what do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.