QUESTION
My husband is a sensitive and gentle person. He has baruch Hashem an excellent, well-paid, and prestigious job. They demand a lot of him, and he keeps complaining about how hard it is to comply with the boss’s demands. He often mentions that he wants to start up his own firm, saying that if he puts in so much energy he wants to do it for himself.
My question to you as his wife: After months of hearing his almost daily complaining, I’m feeling very pressured by it. Sometimes, the pressure overwhelms me and shleps me down for the day. I started feeling that by listening to him vent, I am holding back from him doing anything to change the situation.
I also have my own fears about him leaving his job, such as financial security... I have a gut feeling that he has to either accept his situation with all its benefits and difficulties, or open his firm. All this complaining is just not helping anything. But I don’t know what my role should be in this. What is the wisest way to be there for my husband and yet be okay with it without feeling that it is MY problem?
ANSWER
It’s wonderful that you describe your marriage as beautiful and happy. One stressful issue certainly shouldn’t change that. It’s crucial to consistently appreciate the brachos in our lives... When a relationship is secure, problems can be handled together and solved with relative ease; when a relationship is shaky, even the smallest issue threatens to capsize the entire ship.
It’s very common for people experiencing challenges to see them as one big issue, and unfortunately, this makes it much harder to find solutions. Another mistake is allowing one issue to spill over into another area... To clarify, in your letter, you’ve outlined not one issue but three. The three issues I notice are: the challenge of listening with empathy; the danger of falling into codependency; and the question of financial security. Let’s address them one by one.
Almost everyone feels the need to vent from time to time—both men and women... It is hard to hear the same complaint again and again, day after day, especially when the dissatisfied person seems not to want to actually do anything about the situation. In fact, responding to their complaints with suggestions and advice is often the last thing that seems to help.
Hard as it is, that doesn’t mean that a devoted spouse doesn’t have to listen and empathize. Having someone to listen to you with patience and caring is a basic human need... If all your spouse wants is a sympathetic listener, that’s what you need to try to become.
Instead of waiting for him to complain when he gets home each evening, greet him warmly and tell him how much you appreciate the long hours he spends at a job he finds so trying... You might just find that he starts complaining less often, or with less intensity.
Finding the right balance between empathy and codependency isn’t always simple. You’ll know that you may have overstepped the line if you start feeling responsible for your husband’s feelings or ability to cope... A healthy marriage depends on emotional connection, empathy, and shared burdens. Withdrawing emotionally rarely solves problems; instead, it tends to deepen hurt.
Realizing that ultimately questions of parnassah are mostly about emunah and bitachon, can make it easier to make a choice and accept the consequences. Obsessing over the details is usually a sign that one is forgetting that Hashem is the one really deciding... A husband and wife who see each other as adversaries will be felled by even the slightest storm; when husband and wife stand together, doing what they can to help each other, almost every challenge can be met with success.
