Question: I first want to start out by letting the Rav know that I have recently started reading the Bitachon Weekly and my life has already changed. Thank you so much for putting this important material out, I look forward to reading it weekly.
My husband is a very intense individual, who is very much connected to Torah and Hashem (P.S. we are Baalei Teshuva). He seeks Kedusha always, and strives to make our home a Makom Torah.
With that said, our kids are not so inclined towards Kedusha, and that makes our Shabbos table a bit difficult. For example, the kids start talking about getting braces, this makes my husband upset, and he starts telling them how halachically they can't speak about doing these things on Shabbos. I know he's right; yes, we need to teach our children Hilchos Shabbos. But what's the right balance? It makes the atmosphere a bit stiff, and dampens everyone's mood.
Now, my real question is this: My husband recognizes that our home does not have the level of Kedusha he envisioned. This makes him feel down. On top of it, he has expectations that our children will constantly seek his advice and company; and when they don’t come to him, he feels rejected and depressed. This spills over to his social life (or lack of), he complains that no one likes him, and that he's rejected by society.
As a good wife, I try to listen and support; but I really disagree with him! I think the kids DO love him, and I know that many people outside highly respect him and think he's a special person. I shared the Rav’s ideas from the Bitachon Weekly, on how he needs to see himself as important and a special Yid, but he says this idea doesn’t connect to him. What can I do for him to lift him up?
Answer: If the father cannot control himself (vis. his personal desires of what he wants from his son) then his son picks this up from the father too. You can’t control if I’m different than you. It’s usually Kavod. “My child this, and that”. All you are required to do is only what you are obligated to do with your kid, after that you are exempt.
It’s not easy to tell this to people, because they don’t have a Chinuch for this concept. But in Novardok, this was their main point, that most issues (including kids) is all about Kavod. “What do people say here, what they say there”. That dominates everything; you need a lot of work on this. People don’t realize that their main problem in life is Kavod. Kavod is Hevel Havalim, because what’s the problem, let the other person have more, let them think... what do I care? I am doing the right thing. It’s easy to say but hard to do, you have to work on it.
The father should not go around like a Ka'nai. If this father works on understating his kid (buy him a baseball and go along with him) and he NEVER CRITISIZES HIM, that kid stands a better chance of going on the right Derech. A father is someone who has a heart of warmth. Not, that all he knows is that his son is going off the Derech; that’s not a father. If you aren’t warm, then you are a police man. A police man is not a father. Where is the warmth, love, and care?
Also, sometimes it’s not the kid’s fault. He may not have a good head in learning. In Breslov they say that the opposite of anger is compassion. Have Rachmanus on him, maybe he has difficulty in his learning? Start crying over him. Do you know how much Gehinom he has in the classroom? He has to sit 5 hours a day watching everyone being better than him. He is going through torture. First understand him, love him, get him the help he needs. Make him big in other good things, like Chesed. Make a big Shpeil out of his strong points. He has good traits, make that the point of discussion, because probably what’s on his mind is his weakness. He feels like a nobody. If a person judges their children favorably, then Hashem will judge them favorably too; because you’ve got faults too, you’re not perfect. This kid is a gift from Shamayim, because now you have to work on being Dan L’kaf Zechus and he is saving you! Take it easy! Don’t get so excited. Don’t look at things like the world is turning over. You may have to learn a lot of Mussar for that, about Savlanus and Bitachon, and don’t speak to people who get you all excited, saying that everything is going crazy if your kid doesn’t learn. Speak to people like the Gedolei Yisrael, who are calm and relaxed, which will help you be calm, and calmness will breed good things.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
