Dear Rabbi Gruen,
Thank you very much for all your amazing shiurim. I will be very grateful if you can answer my question.
My husband is a fraud. He dresses like a frum Yid, but he spends his time with not-frum Jews and does things against tzniyus and against the Torah.
In the early days of our marriage, I once found a ticket to the theater in his jacket pocket when I was doing the laundry. I asked a rav what to do, and he told me not to say anything. The rav didn’t tell me why, but I assumed that the reason was that as long as my husband didn’t know that I knew, he had a better chance of doing teshuvah.
Recently, however, someone found out that my husband is involved with a certain non-Jewish concert, and they told me about it. Apparently, he has been helping the organizers with the technical side of things, and since the project is still running, most likely he plans to continue working with them.
My husband doesn’t know that I know about his involvement. I really don’t want him to continue associating with such people, and I think that maybe, if I tell him that I know about it, he’ll be ashamed of himself and stop.
My question is: What’s the best approach to take? I’m ehrlich, frum, tzniyusdig, and I care very much about living according to the Torah, and I don’t know what to do here.
In one of your shiurim, you mentioned that spouses shouldn’t mix into each other’s frumkeit, but here this is having a strong effect on our children, and on me too. Also, people see us as a couple, as if we’re on the same page in this area, and I don’t want to think about the effect this will have when we are trying to make shidduchim for our children.
Thank you for helping.
