Question:
My husband and I come from different worlds. I grew up wealthy in Argentina; his family struggled in Russia. He was raised religious; I became religious after high school. I enjoy outings, late nights, and conversation; he prefers home, early nights, and quiet. We get along, but after three years, I feel lonely. Where is the husband I imagined sharing my life with? Should we move on?
Answer:
Every husband and wife brings a unique background, personality, and set of experiences to marriage. While their differences may sometimes seem insurmountable, they can learn to appreciate one another and build a fulfilling life together.
Some marriages do become so painful that one or both partners say, “I can’t be in this marriage anymore.” In such cases, the Torah provides for divorce, after consulting the appropriate people, such as counselors and Rabbis. But although your situation is challenging, it does not sound like you are at that point.
Instead, ask yourself: Why did Hashem bring us together? We often expect the right spouse to fulfill our expectations and make life easy. Yet difficulty does not mean you are mismatched. Marriage helps us grow and uncover deeper potentials, and growth often involves friction. Chassidus views marriage as two souls joining to accomplish something neither could achieve alone, which means your differences can serve as tools for that growth.
The Rebbe expressed this in a letter written in 5738 (1977-78): “Every Jew must strive to strengthen what he has in common with other Jews, and all the more so with regard to husband and wife. And not to dig around and dwell on the ways in which they are not equal…”
In practice, this means noticing the things you do share and building on that common ground by nurturing shared interests. Positive energy leads to positive feelings and results. It also means joining your husband in activities he enjoys and inviting him into yours. Giving out of care for each other and your home creates harmony and closeness, and the focus shifts from “me” versus “you” to what is best for “us.”
Finally, holding tightly to one imagined path may prevent us from noticing the new doors Hashem is opening. By making room for those possibilities, you may discover a marriage richer than you had originally expected.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage and individual coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com