This is the language of Rashi on the verse in our parsha (18:19): “‘For I have known him’: an expression of affection, as in ‘a kinsman (moda) of the woman’ (Rus 2), ‘Is not Boaz our kinsman (modaatanu)’ (Rus 3), ‘and I will know you (ve’edaacha) by name’ (Shemos 33). But the primary meaning of all of them is only an expression of knowledge, for one who endears a person brings him close to himself and knows him and recognizes him.”
That is, according to these words of Rashi, by endearing a wife to her husband, one brings the husband to know and recognize her more. For “knowledge” is the result of “connection,” as is known, and therefore if he “brings him close” (connection), this necessarily brings afterward that he “knows him and recognizes him” (knowledge). That is, connection brings knowledge. And in truth this goes in both directions, meaning that not only does connection bring knowledge, but knowledge also brings connection and closeness, for both the connection and the knowledge are the result of “affection” and love, as in Rashi’s words “one who endears a person,” which is essentially an expression of “love,” and love and affection bring one to draw near and connect to the “beloved,” and also to recognize, understand, and know the “beloved.”
And in truth the word “ahavah” (love) has two meanings: first, “hav” (give); second, “havanah” (understanding). For this is the essence of love: that I understand the thing I love, and therefore I also draw near and give to the thing I love. And this is also reversed: that I draw near and give to the thing I love, and therefore I also understand and know it. This is not the place to elaborate on these deep matters.
By What Is a Wife Endeared
What is the cause of endearment? We would think, at first glance, that it is by praising and lauding her as a woman beautiful in appearance and in her good deeds. But the answer is: no. Avraham Avinu certainly understood and recognized all her lofty virtues, but all this was between him and her. And since affection and knowledge bring each other, the praise that bears on endearment is praise of her inwardness, “Behold, in the tent,” which opens to the husband the depth of his wife’s world, brings him closer to her, and deepens his recognition of her.
Honor and the Soul
A woman’s honor is that she be in a state and place of modesty, and as it is written, “All the glory of the king’s daughter is within.” In truth, the whole matter of honor is an aspect of the “nefesh” and the inwardness of a person; this is not the place to elaborate.
From the Outer to the Inner
Outer beauty arouses many, and therefore as long as Sarah was unmarried she was called “Yiscah,” because her beauty aroused many toward her. But after marriage beauty belongs only to her husband. That is, the bond between a husband and wife is not built on what the eye sees, for that is open to everyone, but on what is known from up close: on inwardness. From this it follows that true endearment is built on knowledge and closeness, not on appearance.
The Circle of Love
As has been explained, affection brings closeness, closeness brings knowledge, and knowledge again brings affection. This is a circle that never ends: the more one knows, the more one loves; and the more one loves, the more one wants to know. And one who wants to strengthen love in his home need not search for new things, but to know his spouse more deeply and to draw nearer.
Soul and Modesty
Honor is a matter of the soul, not of the body. Therefore when we say of a person that he is “modest,” we do not mean his clothing but his soul, which does not boast and does not seek to be seen. And indeed modesty and humility are two that are one: both are a level of the inner soul.