Now when it comes to choosing someone to love, of all the people you can choose the best one is your wife, your spouse. That’s one of the reasons the Torah tells us that Yaakov loved Rochel (ibid. 29:30) and Yitzchok loved Rivkah (Chayei Sara 24:67). Because there’s a special command that a Jew should love his wife. It states openly in the Gemara, ֹפוּו‚¿ּכ ֹוּ ̇¿ׁ ̆ƒ‡ ̇∆‡ ב≈הֹו‡ (Yevamos 62b, Rambam Hilchos Ishus 15:19). If you never heard that before, then it’s worth coming here for that. A man has to love his wife like his own body, like himself.
So you’ll ask me, but doesn’t that apply to every fellow Jew, not only your wife? It’s true, but to love someone like yourself doesn’t really seem possible. To actually love someone as much as you love yourself? So you must say that it’s an ideal. We should strive towards that as an ideal, but actually when will it happen that you love your fellow man like yourself? It’s very difficult. But when it comes to a wife, it’s not an ideal. That’s what it has to be!
The truth is that when it comes to the mitzvah of ahavas Yisroel, is there any opportunity presented to a man to repeat again and again this mitzvah as in marriage? There’s nothing like the opportunities in a home between one spouse and another because it’s so often.
You’re going to have more contact with your mate, more interactions, than with anyone else you’ll ever meet and so it’s like meeting thousands of fellow Jews. If you meet a thousand fellow Jews and you get along with nine hundred of them, you are a success. If you get along with nine hundred and ninety, a bigger success. And therefore, because your contacts with your husband or your wife will be a thousand contacts – it will be more than a thousand contacts; if you live together for fifty, sixty, seventy years, there are hundreds of thousands of contacts – if you are able to make most of them successful, then you are successful.
Successful or Cranky?
And therefore you must make it a principle that this is going to be your big test in life; to learn how to love your spouse, to love your husband or wife the way Hashem loves them. It’s easy to love your great-uncle who lives in Cleveland. You never see him anyhow and it’s easy to get along with someone like that. But that’s not ahavas Yisroel. If you want to be an oheiv Yisroel, it starts at home.
But not only because your spouse is the most contacts. It’s also because Hashem encourages it; He made it easy to love a wife. Who’s easier to love than a wife? It’s more attainable, it’s more approachable because a wife has those endowments that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave her by nature and made it easier. And we’re obligated to utilize those natural feelings as a ladder to climb up to the love that Hashem wants from us.
Of course, if you’re a non-thinking person, or worse, if you’re a person who looks for faults, if you’re a native crank, then you won’t understand this right away. But if you’re interested in being a successful spouse then you’ll understand that nature has made it so that a spouse is the easiest to love.
Loving the Kallah
And therefore that’s what Yaakov did. Yaakov Avinu was a great thinker – I’ll call him a philosopher because he had his own chochmah and he understood the darkei Hashem. And he knew that it was the will of Hashem that he should love his wife. He knew that included in his love of Hashem was to love Rochel; and therefore when he saw this girl whom he knew would be his wife, he made use of even his natural emotions to love her.
He took all the stimuli that are provided by the sight of a beautiful bride – his heart certainly was filled with joy at the prospect – and he utilized them beyond what others would do. He utilized them as a ladder to come closer and closer to what Hakadosh Baruch Hu thinks of Rochel. ַ̇בֲהַ‡ ¿יךƒּ ̇¿בַהֲ‡ םָלֹעו – I loved you with an endless love, Hashem said. And in order to gain a semblance of that, Yaakov utilized his natural love for Rochel.
Now had it been the sordid ‘love’ of a crude fellow, then it would have lasted for a little while, but sooner or later the romance would fly out through the window as it usually does with people of that kind. But with Yaakov Avinu, on the contrary! The longer he was together with Rochel, the more and more his love increased because he was looking for opportunities and reasons and excuses to love her and he knew that’s the ratzon Hashem!
Infinite Love
Now I want to add one more idea before we take questions from the floor. There’s something else, another element that every person should add to his thoughts when he’s training himself in this mitzvah of loving a fellow Jew and especially a wife or a husband.
We said earlier that we love the Am Yisroel because Hashem loves them and there’s a special mitzvah to emulate Hashem. But there’s an additional layer and that is Hashem loves tzaddikim; יםƒ ̃יƒּ„ַˆ ב≈הֹו‡ 'ה (Tehillim 146:8). That’s an axiom in the Torah that He loves the righteous.
How much does He love the righteous? It’s impossible for us to measure because Hashem loves every Jew with an immense and fiery love. But if we’re told that Hashem is oheiv tzaddikim then we understand that it’s something above and beyond that. It’s an enormous, an endless, an infinite love that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has for tzaddikim. And that is important to know because we are talking here about loving those whom Hashem loves.
Do You Love Tzaddikim?
So suppose you hear there’s a tzaddik someplace in Crown Heights or a tzaddik in Williamsburg or a tzaddik in Meah Shearim or a tzaddik in Bnei Brak or in Boro Park, you must immediately think, “I must love that man, sight unseen.” You have to know the time will come when Hakadosh Baruch Hu will take us to task. There’ll be a yom hadin; “Did you love tzaddikim? Did you think about them at all?”
“It didn’t even enter my mind. I’m right here in Flatbush. It’s my business that there are tzaddikim over there in Williamsburg? So they’re tzaddikim. It’s their good luck but it’s none of my business.” That’s absolutely an upside down attitude, a non-Torah attitude. The Torah says you have to train yourself to love, with all your heart, the tzaddikim.
Do You Love Your Spouse?
Now, when the Gemara says ֹוּ ̇¿ׁ ̆ƒ‡ ̇∆‡ ב≈הֹו‡ ֹפוּו‚¿ּכ, that you should love your wife like yourself, like your own body, it’s not talking about a tzaddeikes. She just keeps what she has to keep and that’s all. Could be she’s bothersome too; she nags you to no end. That’s the one the Torah is talking about – Hashem wants you to love her like yourself; it’s an obligation.
But let’s say your wife happens to be a tzaddeikes too. Ooh ah! Then your obligation is multiplied many times over because Hashem is oheiv tzaddikim. And don’t think she has to have at least a thousand chassidim to be a tzaddik. First of all, if she was willing to marry you she’s already a righteous woman; that itself is enough. But it’s much more than that.
Certainly, a man has to learn to appreciate his wife. She does so many good things for you. The fact that she opens her mouth once in a while and scolds you, what about it? Doesn’t she put out fresh laundry for you from time to time? It takes a long time to wash laundry. If you’re wearing clean underwear today, it’s probably because of your wife. She’s keeping the house in order more or less, a Jewish house. And she’s raising your children!
Your Husband’s Chopped Liver?
You know there was a great man, Rabbi Chiya, who had a difficult wife. What she did is not important now but the Gemara (Yevamos 63a) says that ה≈ל ‡ָרֲﬠַּˆƒמ ‡ָ ̃, she made trouble for him. And Rabbi Chiya, out of love for his wife, he was always buying small things for her in the market. Anytime he saw something she might like he brought it home for her. So his talmid, Rav, asked him about his behavior. Now listen to what Rabbi Chiya said: ‡¿ט≈חַה ןƒמּנוָ ֹ̇ו‡ ֹ̇ילוƒּˆַמּוּינו≈נָּב ֹ̇לו¿ּ„ַ‚¿ּמ∆ׁ ּ̆נו≈ּיַּ„ – just the fact that she’s raising my children and she saves me from sin that already is enough.
Just for that a husband is expected to love his wife and show his appreciation. It’s only if you don’t think about these things so all your life you remain oblivious to them. And if you’re oblivious, it’s hard to love.
Now at the risk of sounding too even-handed, I’ll tell you it applies to the husband too. He’s also not chopped liver. After all, he’s not a loafer. He brings home some money. He helps out a little in the house. He goes out to daven; he learns a little bit too. Whatever you can think of, whatever can motivate you to fulfill the mitzvah, make use of it. To a certain extent, he’s also a tzaddik. At least some things of righteousness he does and Hashem loves him for that. ב≈הָ‡ ֹ̇ו ָ̃„¿ˆ 'ה ̃יƒּ„ַˆ יƒּכ – Hashem, because He’s a tzaddik, He loves righteous things (ibid. 11:7).
The Dream Ladder
Now if that’s an axiomatic attitude, then we understand another rung of the ladder that Yaakov climbed when it came to this mitzvah of ahavas Yisroel. You have to know that Rochel and Leah were remarkable personalities; they weren’t ordinary girls. In those days it wasn’t easy; they didn’t have a Bais Yaakov. They didn’t grow up in the house of Rivkah and Yitzchok. They were self-made girls.
Now how it happened has to be investigated but these two were remarkable personalities of pure characters. They were both remarkably innocent, generous, kindly and intelligent personalities who were dedicated with their hearts and souls to the most important function of a Jewish mother, to the function of building the Beis Yisroel. And so there’s no question that Yaakov made use of that too.
And we are expected to emulate that. Of course we want to love all of our nation, every single one of them. But we’re not going to settle for empty words, for platitudes that mean nothing. We understand that it’s a ladder we have to climb in this world and a wife, a husband, parents and children and close friends, those are the rungs we should begin climbing on the ladder of genuine ahavas Yisroel. That’s the ladder that Yaakov Avinu was shown in his dream. ֹוׁ ̆‡ֹר¿ו הָˆ¿רַ‡ בָּˆֻמ םָּלֻס ה≈ּנƒה¿ו הָמ¿יָמַָּׁ̆ה ַיﬠƒּ‚ַמ – A ladder standing on the ground with its top reaching into the sky, up to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
Gaining Hashem’s Love
What’s the purpose of a ladder? To go from a low place to a higher place. But why a ladder? Who needs a ladder? Let’s have wings and we’ll fly up. We’ll just start loving everyone right now, this second! No, we don’t fly; we have to climb up step by step. If you want to love the Am Yisroel you have to take one rung at a time. Your wife and your children and your siblings and your friends and your neighbors and your rebbi, and you keep climbing higher and higher.
And as you climb each rung Hashem loves you more and more because you’re doing it because of Him; you love Him and you want to love those that He loves. ̇∆‡ ב≈הֹו‡∆ׁ ̆ יƒמ¿ל ‡ָּל∆‡ ב≈הֹו‡ ‡ּהו¿ךּרוָּב ׁ ֹ̆ו„ַָּ̃ה ין≈‡ ל≈‡ָר¿ׂ ̆ƒי – Hashem loves only those who love the Am Yisroel (Mesillas Yesharim – Perek 19). Because you’re doing what He does. You’re walking in His ways.
¿ךּרוָּב ׁ ֹ̆ו„ַָּ̃ה ל≈‡ָר¿ׂ ̆ƒי¿ל ֹו ָ̇בֲהַ‡ ילƒּ„¿‚ַמ םָ„ָ‡∆ׁ ̆ הַמ לָכ¿ו יוָלָﬠ ילƒּ„¿‚ַמ ‡ּהו – And that’s why the more you love Jews, the more Hashem loves you (ibid.)
Have A Wonderful Shabbos
