And what is repentance? That he should abandon his sin and remove it from his thoughts, and resolve in his heart that he will never commit it again (Rambam Hilchos Teshuva 2:2)
The story is told about the Chida, the great tzaddik and master darshan (orator), revered not only for his brilliance in Torah and eloquent sermons, but another quality that emerged in an otherwise unknown incident.
The Chida had a particular affinity for shmek tabak, powdered snuff. A common amenity in those days, he enjoyed it deeply and would frequently take a small pinch between his fingers, sniff it, and savor it. It became so much a part of his routine that it was rare to see him without it.
When the Chida traveled from Eretz Yisrael to the Diaspora, it was customary for him to divide his hosting arrangements, eating meals in one person’s home and sleeping in another’s. This allowed more people to share the merit of hosting a talmid chacham, and it inspired increased giving to tzedakah.
One Friday night, after enjoying a meal at his dinner host’s home, the Chida returned to the house where he was staying for the night. As he prepared to go to bed, he reached into his pocket, only to realize a problem. He had forgotten his snuff at the home where he had eaten.
He tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, but it was no use. He couldn’t do it. The craving was too strong. Finally, unable to bear it, he quietly slipped out and returned to the dinner host’s home to retrieve it.
By the time he arrived, the family had already gone to sleep. He tried to knock gently, hoping not to disturb them too much, but alas, the knocking woke the household. The maidservants, the children, the baal habayis, all were roused from their sleep. When he explained what had happened, they graciously retrieved the snuff for him.
The next morning, immediately after the reading of the Torah, the Chida did something unexpected. He ascended the bima and stood before the congregation, overcome with emotion. He began to weep deep, uncontrollable tears, and then he spoke:
“Rabbosai, last night, I discovered just how lowly I truly am. To have troubled an entire household, to have woken children and servants, all because I couldn’t go one night without a pinch of snuff? How could I?”
He paused. The room was silent. And then he continued:
“I beg forgiveness from the baal habayis, from the family I disturbed, and from the entire congregation. And I ask you: even though I am not worthy, please continue to give tzedakah to Eretz Yisrael. And now, al da’as haMakom ve’al da’as ha’kahal, in the presence of Hashem and this entire holy congregation here today, I make a vow. From this day forward, I will never take another sniff of snuff again—for the rest of my life.”
The community was stunned. To see such a great man, so esteemed, publicly humble himself, confess a personal weakness, and resolve to change... it was unforgettable.
We all have our own shmek tabak—our small addictions, our unhealthy habits, our personal weaknesses. Some are physical, some are emotional, some are spiritual. We may not want them, but we struggle to let go.
How did the Chida do this? How could he generate such strong resolve to never return to a habit so entrenched and do so all of a sudden?
The secret is in his own very words. “To have troubled an entire household, to have woken children and servants, all because I couldn’t go one night without a pinch of snuff? How could I?” He realized that his behavior didn’t exist in a vacuum. His habit did not just affect himself and himself alone. And when he took this to heart, he knew that he could not conduct himself in a way that hurt others.
That is what changed it all for him.
In your own life, as you look out at the habitual challenges facing you, think back to the Chida and ask yourself: who is my life affecting? If I continue to do this or act like that, who I am impacting? My spouse? My children? My friends? When you come to terms with this truth, you begin to realize that you must rid yourself of unwanted behavior because you care too much about hurting or even losing your family or those around you. You can’t bring yourself to hurt your son or your daughter or your spouse or your mother or your father.
The Chida was someone who demonstrated that if we can overcome something just once, we can prove to ourselves that we are stronger than we believed.
So whether it’s in gashmiyus or ruchniyus, let us take that first step and let us break that habit. And let’s become the best version of ourselves.
For now and forever.
