Driving in NY
As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the inspector.
At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.
The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."
Penguins
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”
Big Decisions
You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.
After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions! To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all!
“Like what?” Asked the husband.
“Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Syria, the situation in Iran… that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are – where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy. That I decide!”
The Steak
Yankel and his wife Dina go to the Kosher Restaurant and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. You have never seen such a big steak in your life.
They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Sarah about it. Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go back next weekend to check it out.
When they get there, they all order steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. You need a magnifying glass to find it on your plate.
Yankel asks to see the manager. "I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week, and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."
"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager. "But last week you were sitting by the window where everyone can see you.”
“‘Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.’”