Those of us blessed with children or talmidim know how easy it is to compare one child to another. We also know how dangerous that is. Each child is an olam malei, an entire world of himself, unrelated to anyone else. Each child is a precious Neshama, carved out from the kisei hakavod and given a special mission that only he can accomplish. And we, as parents and teachers, must never lose sight of the yachid in midst of the rabim.
The pasuk says 18: 2-3 that Moshe Rabeinu had two children, "shem ha’echad Gershom... v’shem echad Eliezer..." – the name of the first was Gershom and the name of one was Eliezer. The meforshim ask: Why by Eliezer does the pasuk say "v'shem echad" – the name of one – why doesn’t it say "v’shem hasheini" – the name of the second son? Rav Aharon Goldberg (sefer Shiras Dovid) answers that the wording teaches us that even though Eliezer was the second son, he wasn’t treated as a second. Each child was treated as if he was his only one. When it comes to be mechanech children, we need to treat each child as an only child. We must invest kochos, seek to recognize the strengths of each child, and be mechanech him "al pi darko", in a way that will help him grow. We must never compare a child to other children. That’s why the pasuk refers to each child as "echad"; each is an only child.
A wealthy person once visited the Telze yeshiva and went into the bais medrash to check out the bachurim. He then asked Rav Gordon about a certain bachur who made a nice impression on him. "That is my ben yachid, my only son", the Rosh Yeshiva replied. The man then asked about another bachur, and again, the response was "That is my ben yachid, my only son". This went on each time the man asked about a bachur. After a while, the man asked how is possible to have so many bachurim who are each a "ben yachid"? The Rosh Yeshiva answered, "I have four hundred talmidim in the yeshiva, and they are four hundred only sons. Each one is an only child to me".
With this we can understand why in the hagada it says "echad chacham, v’echad rasha, v’echad tam, v’echad sheino yodea lishol". Why does it say by each of the four sons the word "echad"? Couldn't it have just said "k’neged arba banim dibra torah, chacham,rasha, tam, v’sheino yodea lishol"? The answer is that the hagada is coming to teach us how to be mechanech children. We need to recognize each child's strengths and be mechanech him the way that would be appropriate for him. We need to treat him as an "echad", a one and only child, not compared or measured against anyone else.
And of course, in order to succeed, each child has to be loved as if he is the only one we have. Just like when you only have one child you give all your strengths for the good of that child, so too if you have a lot of children it has to be as if he is the only one. K’neged arba banim dibra Torah – the Torah is speaking concerning the four sons. Says the Chasam Sofer that the word k’neged can also be translated as "according to". He says that these words mean that the Torah speaks according to the needs of each of the four sons. The Torah is speaking to the parents to be mechanech each child according to what he needs.
What might work for one child might not work for the other child. We need common sense to accommodate each child.
Let's take a closer look at our children, seeing each one as the yachid that he is. Let us take the time to get to know them; their strengths, their weaknesses, their interests and their potential. Let us daven for the siyata dishmaya to reach their neshamos and uplift them, guiding them to fulfill their tafkid on this earth. And let us never forget to thank Hashem for the tremendous z'chus of passing the mesorah on to the next generation. Each link is a priceless yachid, an only child, in the glorious chain of klal Yisroel.
